Welcome Wagon
By Johnny Culver
johnnyculver@pineyforkpress.com
Miss Lizzard
Mrs. Anderson
Miss Lizzards’s
kitchen. .A fall morning many decades ago.
Two ladies sit at a table sipping coffee. Mrs. Lizzard blathers on.
MISS LIZZARD
…And
the beauty parlor on Horsehair Street, the Roxanne’s Beauty Barn, what a vulgar
name…well you just want to avoid going there at all costs. The new owner,
Roxanne, smokes like a chimney, and, if those harsh chemicals she uses don’t
get you as soon as you walk in the door, that cigarette stench will. I’d rather
be dead and cremated before Roxanne does my hair. She smells like an ashtray. I
won’t let Constance anywhere near the place. The way she dresses. Halter tops
and cut off dungarees. And the language she uses! It’s like going to an X rated
movie picture, set in a beauty parlor. Just imagine! Not that I’ve ever been to
one…
(whispers)
But I
do hear that the Bijou in Duck Corners stays open very late on Saturday
evenings…my source tells me last week they showed…Frisky Nurses on Call! Constance waits in the car, plays the radio……
MRS ANDERSON
That’s good to know, Mrs.…
(Looks at card in her hand)
Lizard.
MISS LIZZARD
It’s
LizaRRRd, dear. I am of French
descent. But you call me Treva. And Mrs.
Anderson, I am so very glad that that someone, you, finally moved into our town
and bought that old Haney place. It has been on the market for years. You’ve
done so much with the front lawn, killing all the crabgrass. And
the back garden. Old Mrs. Haney never did take care of her vegetable
garden. Who knew that maggots were so fond of cherry tomatoes?
MRS ANDERSON
My husband and I enjoy
working in the outdoors.
MISS LIZZARD
And
just what does Mr. Anderson do for a living? It is none of my business, but the
local Welcome Wagon does like to keep accurate records of such information. And
they can rely on me for the most up to date facts.
MRS ANDERSON
(humble)
Martin
is a vice president…for a grocery chain…in Canton…just a few stores…nothing
much
MISS LIZZARD
Canton?
And what is the name of the chain, perhaps I have shopped there. I do visit
Canton, you know. Oh my, the big city! And only twenty miles
away.
MRS ANDERSON
(Quietly)
The Lucky-Cardinal…
(Changing subject)
This
coffee is very good. What brand is it?
MISS LIZZARD
(Spitting)
The Lucky-Cardinal! Why that’s one of the biggest grocery
stores in Ohio! That is certainly some information to send along to the Welcome
Wagon.
MRS ANDERSON
It’s
nothing really…tell me more about the Beauty Barn…
MISS LIZZARD
Well,
I’d like to speak to your husband about something…just last month; I was in one
of his stores while visiting Canton. Constance and I had driven up to the
hospital there to visit my old baby sitter, Mrs. Betty Hooker. She used to
watch my older sister and myself after school, while my mother was at work at
the parachute factory. Betty was just a teenager then, almost sixteen, but she
was like family. She’d tell us stories, sing to us,
playing her accordion, and make us Red Rose tea and crackers...she’s about
eighty now….so feeble…
(Lost in the memories, then snaps
back)
Anyway,
I had gone to visit her in the hospital in Canton, she had just had two of her
fingers removed. Apparently after all those years of playing the accordion, her
thumb and middle finger were so busted up, smashed to smithereens, the doctors
just had to take em off. She wanted to keep them, though, so when Constance and
I went into her hospital room, she was sitting up in bed, with her accordion propped
on one side of her bed and a big jar with her thumb and middle finger on the
other. Imagine my surprise!
MRS ANDERSON
(taken
aback)
You
wanted to speak to my husband about that?
MISS LIZZARD
No!
How foolish! Anyway, after I left the hospital, I decided to stop in the Lucky-Cardinal store across from the hospital to see if
that had any of the Hamburger Helper I had seen on the television. Because I
knew that the Lucky-Cardinal carries every product under the sun!
MRS ANDERSON
(looks at
watch)
That’s
what Martin says…my look at the time, I’d better be …
MISS LIZZARD
Well,
I looked through all the varieties of Hamburger Helper. They had Hamburger
Helper for chicken with the yellow glove on the package; they had Hamburger
Helper for Tuna with the blue glove on the package, but they didn’t carry a
single box of the regular Hamburger Helper…with the grey glove on the package.
I asked the box boy, but he had not heard of such a variety of Hamburger
Helper. I even asked the cashier about the particular item, when I was checking
out with my other purchase, a bottle of Milk of Magnesia. Did you know it comes
in a lovely blue bottle now?
MRS ANDERSON
I
thought it always did…
MISS LIZZARD
The
last time I saw a bottle on television, it came in a nice black bottle with a
white label. Times have changed! Do you enjoy afternoon television, Mrs.
Anderson?
(Oven timer loudly goes off)
That must be my Bundt
cake.
(Goes to oven and tried to turn off
timer)
Darned
oven, on its last legs. Barely even gets hot any more. I hope it doesn’t wake Constance.
MRS ANDERSON
(Over the buzzing of the timer)
Well,
I think the soap operas are a little silly these days, the loud music, the
bright colors, I liked them better in black in white. The old days
(Timer is turned off)
Don’t
you agree?
MISS LIZZARD
(didn’t hear)
Sorry
dear, didn’t hear you. Well, I do like that new program, The NEW Price is
Right. With Bob
Barker. All the ladies from the
neighborhood get together every afternoon and watch it. Drop whatever they’re
doing. At the Beauty Barn. I won’t set foot in that
trap. I bet it stinks like a bar, all that cigarette smoke. That Roxanne smokes
like a chimney. And if Bob Barker heard the language those ladies use, his hair
woud turn white! So I just sit right here in my kitchen and
watch it alone. While Constance takes her nap upstairs.
MRS ANDERSON
I’d
think it’d be more fun watching it with other ladies…
MISS LIZZARD
Well,
I make it fun! I sit here, in my chair in the kitchen, and when Johnny Olsen
calls out “Com’on down”, I get up and
run to my chair in the living room, right in front of the television! Just like
this!
(she gets up
and barrels out, then returns)
MRS ANDERSON
(Bewildered)
…that
sounds fun…
MISS LIZZARD
(out of
breath)
And
the prizes they give away! Last month, they had this beautiful range, self
cleaning. With a clock radio! A Lady Kenmore. I’d rush
out to Sears in a heartbeat to but the color wouldn’t go with the other
appliances here in my kitchen, or my counter tops.
MRS ANDERSON
(Smug)
I saw
the same range. We liked it so much that Martin and I ordered it for our
kitchen. It matches everything perfectly.
Our other appliances.
MISS LIZZARD
(Shocked)
Mrs.
Anderson…you have…grey appliances? Grey counter tops? Well!
I thought the wife of a vice president would have a little more taste! I may
have to report this to the Welcome Wagon!
MRS ANDERSON
Grey?
My kitchen appliances and my counter tops are the latest color…Avocado green!
We had the entire kitchen redone! How could you think…?
(Thinks)
Miss.
Lizzard, Treva, when your television
tells you that the following program is brought to you in living color on NBC,
do you enjoy the program? How new and exciting it is… How bright and-
MISS LIZZARD
Well
it doesn’t seem all that exciting to me. Seems just like the same old program. Still on NBC.
MRS ANDERSON
(treading
lightly)
Mrs.Lizzard,
do you have a color television?
MISS LIZZARD
A
what?
MRS ANDERSON
A color television? Solid State? Color chassis? Zenith?
MISS LIZZARD
Oh my
heavens no. No need at all. I figure if Constance has to watch regular black
and white television in her bedroom, well then I should too.
MRS ANDERSON
(Frustrated)
Then
buy your daughter a damned color television! Good day, MISS LIZZARD, I must be
going.
(At kitchen door)
MISS LIZZARD
My daughter? Mrs. Anderson, have you been visiting the Beauty Barn,
inhaling all those chemicals? I don’t have a daughter! I am childless. I am…barren! Every season is
winter for me…
(starts to
weep)
MRS ANDERSON
Oh
I’m sorry. It’s so nice that you adopted a needy child. Every child needs love,
with all that is happening in the world…
MISS LIZZARD
I
couldn’t adopt. The county officials didn’t think I was…qualified to be a
parent. It happens. I wasn’t hurt….Someone…that ticket taker at the Bijou…she
always looks at me in an odd way…I seem to recall she has a sister who works
for the County…
(fades away)
MRS ANDERSON
(very
uncomfortable)
It
was nice visiting with you; I’ll just let myself out.
MISS LIZZARD
That
social worker sure did enjoy my Bundt cake when she came to interview us,
though! I’ll bet she gets her hair done at Roxanne’s Beauty Barn too!
MRS ANDERSON
Well,
then who is…
(Dog barks in background)
….Constance?
MISS LIZZARD
Oh
don’t mind Constance, she’s just barking at the television program. Lassie is
her favorite!
(confidentially)
Now,
do you happen to get a …employee discount…at the Lucky Cardinal? Maybe after
shopping in Canton one Saturday, we could take in a late movie…at the Bijou…
CURTAIN