Mount V and Me (a play in progress)

 

By Johnny Culver


 

 

Alicia Fernandez – Down to earth mother from Bayonne, late thirties

Dudley Wright– Tough, distrusting, down in his luck, single father from Queens, late forties

Marla Harpowski – A very odd woman from Staten Island, late forties

 

Alicia, Dudley and Marla work at a large financial company. The economy has forced the company to make layoffs on this particular morning.

 

A recent St Patrick’s Day.


 

SCENE ONE

Morning.

A modern, yet worn office with three desks, lined up, facing the audience. Alicia sits at her desk, quietly reading the newspaper. After a beat, Dudley enters, hung over

 

DUDLEY

Can you believe that traffic? The streets are jammed because of that stupid Saint Patrick’s Day parade. Fifth Avenue is blocked off and it’s not even nine o’clock! Every teenager from New Jersey played hooky today.

(Takes off coat and hangs it on rack)

And why do all those people wear green on St Patrick’s Day? They’re not ALL Irish.  You know Wanda Wong? From the copy center?  I saw her in the lobby. She wore a green slip today, under her dress. She’s going out to see the parade at lunch. And, knowing her, she’ll be showing a lot of other men her green slip.

(Sits)

Great, we’ll have green slips out on the street and pink slips in here.  Some Wednesday. Sorry I’m late. I couldn’t find my glasses.

 

ALICIA

You wear contacts, Dudley. Good excuse.

 

DUDLEY

Last night, I took my contacts out; they were a little…dry…

(Alicia glares at Dudley)

So I had my eyeglasses on this morning, and I went into the shower, so I took my glasses off.  Then I got out of the shower, and couldn’t see to find my glasses. I looked everywhere – everywhere! So finally I put on my contacts and - there were my glasses!

 

ALICIA

Where were they?

 

DUDLEY

Little Dudley, was wearing them, in his playpen! Right by the window. Remind me to go to the hardware store at lunch. I want to get some of those childproof window guards for my apartment windows. I read in the paper that I can get a break in my kids health insurance if I have them installed. If I am still employed by lunch, that is.

 

ALICIA

You live in a basement apartment, Dudley.

 

DUDLEY

(Sneakily)

My insurance company doesn’t know that. That damned ex wife of mine better not spill the beans. Rat on me. Make me out to be a bad parent.

 

ALICIA

How could she…from jail?

 

DUDLEY

Good point, Alicia. I guess when it comes to parenting skills, I take after MY parents. They never really wanted children.

 

ALICIA

I thought you were an only child?

 

DUDLEY

I was. My parents never liked having me around, though.

 

ALICIA

Don’t say that. All parents love their children.

 

DUDLEY

Not mine. Instead of getting me a rubbery ducky to play with in the bathtub, my parents got me a toaster.

 

ALICIA

Dudely! That’s terrible!

 

DUDLEY

I know it is…it came with a very long extension cord. That cord could reach from the house to the wading pool in the back yard…

(Points to third desk)

…is…SHE…here yet? Marla?

 

ALICIA

No not yet. Mrs. Whipple just told me this morning. Gave me the news. A new addition to our team. Marla Harpowski from Accounting. Never thought I’d see the day. How did you know?

 

DUDLEY

Wanda Wong told me. In the lobby. “Marla Harpowski is being transferred from Accounting to Central files”. THEN she showed me her green slip. And the rest of the lobby.

(Alicia glances at Dudley)

That’s why my eyes are so red, if you’re wondering. I did not go out after work last night.

 

ALICIA

Oh. That’s some strong mouthwash you used this morning.

 

DUDLEY

Very funny.

(Getting settled)

And Marla is not really being “transferred”. She was kicked out. Booted out. Accounting just refused to let her in their area any longer. Security deactivated her ID card so she couldn’t get through the door. She was driving them crazy. Always on the telephone with her mother. Always taking about food or lunch, or snacks, or how she wants to join weight watchers. A real nutcase.

(Sits)

That Wanda Wong is a wealth of information. I bet, with a couple of glasses of wine, I’d-

 

ALICIA

I heard her say that she is a surgeon. Marla Harpowski, not Mrs. Whipple.  Went to medical school…

 

DUDLEY

Oh, Mrs. Whipple would have made a great surgeon, too. She can cut into people all right, right to their wallets!

 

ALICIA

Stop.

 

DUDLEY

Don’t believe anything Marla Harpowski says. What would a surgeon be doing working in Accounting? At a company like this?

 

ALICIA

Mrs. Whipple also told me that Marla used to be a singer on a cruise ship. And she sings in nightclubs on Staten Island. And was Miss Staten Island! Now, that’s a hard picture to imagine.

 

DUDLEY

There’s a Miss Staten Island pageant? What’s the talent portion of the competition…signing your name? I don’t believe her! Her and her stories. And hard to listen too! That Staten Island accent of hers.

(Imitates accent)

“You live near the fawwwrryy or the Outahbridge?”

 

ALICIA

(Imitates accent)

“No, Eye live near the Mawwlll”

 

DUDLEY

Goes right through your skull!

 

ALICIA

And that she wanted to get out of the singing cruise ship business because it took time away from her medical practice. She never charged her patients, you know.

 

DUDLEY

That’s a new one to me.

 

ALICIA

(Telephone Rings)

Alicia Fernandez…oh, hi Wanda, how are you…oh…oh...I see…calm down, Wanda, you’ll be fine... I have no idea…go get some coffee…goodbye…and careful! It’s windy outside!

(Hangs up phone)

That was Wanda Wong in the copy center; they just canned half of the staff down there.  Mrs. Whipple came down and told them. Passed out pink slips. They’re being replaced by temps! Tina Tuttle Temps. I’ve heard of them. Wanda’s pretty upset.  Pretty worried.  She’ll never get another job. She’s been in that copy center for decades. She isn’t qualified to do anything else. All she can do is collate and staple.

 

DUDLEY

And show off her green slip. And, hopefully, heh heh, a little bit more.

 

ALICIA

Stop talking like that, Dudley.

(Looks at computer screen)

I wonder if I emailed Mrs. Whipple the personnel files for Wanda Wong.

 

DUDLEY

Why?

ALICIA

If not, then Wanda is safe. Her job is safe.

 

DUDLEY

If she’s fired too, she and I can wear matching aprons at the French fry machine. Keep that green slip of hers nice and clean. Maybe your son will hire Wanda Wong and me. He’s still a night manager at the Burger World, right? You must be so proud.

 

ALICIA

That’s not funny.

 

DUDLEY

I’d make a great restroom attendant.  Guarding the key to the men’s room. Such power! My son will be so impressed on “Take your Son to Work” day at Burger World. I’ll be the talk of Little Dudley’s playgroup, down at the daycare center. Maybe one day, he’ll grow up just like me. A big dud.

 

ALICIA

Com’on. You’re being dramatic. Nothing is going to happen. Our jobs are safe. We’re in an important part of the company. We have seniority.

(Indicates with her hands)

Central Files! The backbone of this company!

 

DUDLEY

Alicia, when was the last time you did anything important down here? I mean, really?

 

ALICIA

(Thinks)

Well, just a few minutes ago, Mrs. Whipple came down and asked for some files, old personnel files, so I…I…emailed them to her.

(Realizing)

Took all of ten seconds.

 

DUDLEY

This place is going downhill. I hope they lay me off. I hope I get that dreaded email from Mrs. Whipple. To: Dudley D. Wright, Subject “Status Update” Location:”Conference Room. Please bring your coat.”

 

ALICIA

That’s not funny. The economy is terrible. You’d never find another job.  A divorced single father, unemployed? No insurance. No money for child care. You may even have to – gasp - cut your hair.

 

DUDLEY

I don’t care. I’ll just find a rich old lady to take care of me. You can get me a date, Alicia; fix me up on a date with one of your rich old lady friends?  I’ll promise to put my hair in a ponytail!

 

ALICIA

All the rich old ladies I know hire my friends to clean their apartments and do their laundry.

 

DUDLEY

A blind date. Then it won’t matter what either of us look like. I’ll keep my eyes closed. I promise.

ALICIA

 

You don’t have much luck with blind dates. As I recall, the last one you went on, your date pulled out a strand of your hair and used it to floss her teeth.  What was her name, Cocoa?

 

DUDLEY

Well, now I have one less grey hair to worry about. Cocoa wasn’t that bad. Actually we had a fun night…I think. She was a little…masculine, but I had a good time.  Very muscular that gal was.

 

ALICIA

Redeeming bags of soda cans at the supermarket at midnight to buy beer doesn’t sound like fun.

 

DUDLEY

Hey, you can’t play basketball without refreshments. Cocoa could’ve played for the Harlem Globetrotters. She was a big girl. Her Adams Apple glistened with perspiration in the moonlight!

 

ALICIA

Stop it, Dudley, that’s not nice.

 

DUDLEY

I’d never seen the sun rise from under the boardwalk at Coney Island before.

 

ALICIA

At least she left you change for bus fare. You were still pretty hung over when you got to work. You almost got fired that day. Mrs. Whipple was not pleased.

 

DUDLEY

In Cocoa’s defense, she did mail my wallet back to me. To here at the office. Empty.

 

ALICIA

Postage due.  You still owe me that three dollars and eighty six cents.

 

DUDLEY

As soon as I get my severance package, I’ll pay you back. Get that old bag on the phone, I’m ready! Mrs. Whipple, I’m all yours!

(Cell phone rings)

What the…? I can’t afford to use any more minutes this month.  Why can’t I get bad news only at nights and on weekends?

(Looks at cell phone)

God, what is that babysitter up to now? I’m going to take this call in private. I’ll be right back. Don’t get fired without telling me first.  She cut me off! Thats MORE minutes down the drain…

(Leaves)

 

ALICIA

(Laughs)

I’ll try not to.

 

(MARLA enters with a large shopping bag in her hand)

 

MARLA

(In a terrible Staten Island accent)

I’ve been a bad, bad girl!

(She gets to her desk and swings the bag onto the top of the desk)

I brought Pringles and pretzels on my way here. When I got off the express bus.  If anybody wants some, feel free to take as much as ya want. Feel very free. I stopped at the Rexall.

(Takes off coat)

I’ve been such a bad girl. I am starting Weight Watchers next week, so these Pringles and pretzels really don’t count. I have gained so much weight…

 

ALICIA

(Not looking up)

Oh.

(Thinks)

Rexall?

 

MARLA

(Loudly shuffling the bag on her desk)

You know, I’m like, whatever. It used to be a Rexall. By the express bus stop. Whatever it is now, I don’t know. We only go around once, so why not splurge a little on stuff? So I splurged on Pringles and pretzels.

 

ALICIA

(Not looking up, loudly mumbling)

You splurge a little very day.

 

MARLA

(Loudly sitting at her desk)

Oh, Anna, you’re too funny.

(Her phone rings at her desk)

Oh gawddd, these phones are crazy thing morning. I am so ready to go home. I am not going to answer it. They are just crazy.

ALICIA

(Goes for phone)

It’s the second time it’s rung all morning. That’s my line.

(Answers, loudly enunciating her names)

Alicia Fernandez…uh, yes she is, hold on…

(Puts phone on hold)

It’s for you. Marla…Marla! Why are people calling for you, on MY line?

 

MARLA

(Shoving shopping bag into drawer))

What happened? That’s for me? Who could be calling me here?

 

ALICIA

(Talking to an infant)

Why…Calling…You…My…Line?

 

MARLA

Cause if I wasn’t here, you could take a message for me, if it was important.

 

ALICIA

How would I know if it was important…and you have voice mail on your phone, just like me? Your extension was transferred here …from Accounting.

 

MARLA

I forgot my voicemail password. It used to be the number of the express bus I take in every day, but then they changed the bus number. And I took the ferry today. Or was it the express bus? Whatever…

(Reaches for ALICIAS phone)

I better take this cawl.

(ALICIA gets up and Marla slides into her seat)

I won’t be a minute. Have some Pringles and pretzels.

 

ALICIA

(Kicking desk drawers shut/

No.

 

MARLA

I gotta take this call….Hullo?  Ma? Ma! What are you…Ma, it sounds like you’re eating…cereal! I hope it’s the generic cereal and not the good cereal. I’m saving the good cereal for the weekend! Ma!

(Settles into chair)

Ma, you’re smoking too? I thought you wanted to quit smoking and now you’re smoking. Oh gawwwddd.  You said, just as I opened the front door this morning to catch the express bus, that you were going to quit smoking today AND start Weight Watchers.

 

ALICIA

(Impatient/

I need to get back to work –

 

MARLA

(Marla waves Alicia off)

Oh, gawwwddd, I need a cigarette All this pressure.  Ma, put out the cigarette... And NOT in the good cereal…uh huh…uh huh…Oh well, Ma, it is what it is. That’s all I can say…..what’s that? Ma, I hear music in the background. What’s going on there…you are Pa were dancing? This early in the morning? Good gawwwddd, what goes on there, after I leave?

 

ALICIA

(Rapping on desk)

I need to get back to work. Marla!

 

MARLA

Ok. Ok…Ma, I have to go. We can talk about this after work, when I get home. If I don’t get stuck in the St. Patrick’s Day parade, just my luck, it’ll happen, Ma….Oh, my gawwwddd, Ma….Meet me at the express bus stop. And bring your cigarettes. I don’t want Pa to see me smoking. He’d go through the roof! Gawwwddd. He says some pretty rotten things to me, you know.

 

ALICIA

(Kicking the desk)

Get off the telephone!

 

MARLA

Oh, my gawwwddd, he said that to you? Goodbye, Ma…

(Hangs up)

So, Alicia, lemme ask you a question.

(Stands)

What should I have for lunch…?

(Pulls out two binders from bag)

I got my menus from all the places around here right here.

 

ALICIA

They couldn’t all fit in one binder?

 

MARLA

No, Anna, you’re too funny. This binder has all the menus for the places that are open still. And this one is for all the places that have closed or done out of business or whatever. I like to look at em on the empress bus.

(Spies ALICIA’s shoes)

Oh my gawwwddd, where did you get those shoes? Bloomies? They have the best shoes there, but never any nice ones in my size.

 

ALICIA

I got these shoes at Payless. I can’t afford to go to Bloomingdales.

 

MARLA

Anna, you’re too funny. Payless, huh? I never was there. There’s one at the Staten Island Mawwwllll, but, whatever. I never go there.

(Heads out)

 I am going to the pantry, you want anything?

 

ALICIA

(mutters)

Could you stay in there for the rest of the day? No. I‘m fine. I have to, ah, make a phone call.

 

MARLA

Have fun!

(She exits)

 

DUDLEY

(Enters as Marla leaves)

I can’t believe they transferred her to work in our department.  She will be haunting me for the rest of my life.

(Points at Marla leaving)

Marla Harpowski, I never thought I’d hear that name again. Or see her again. How long is she going to be working with us? Did Mrs. Whipple say anything? Maybe we can scare her away.

 

ALICIA

It’s up in the air, with all these layoffs, anything could happen. Everyone is being reshuffled. Is everything all right at home? Did you talk to the babysitter?

 

DUDLEY

That good for nothing piece of trailer trash. I’m going to start looking for another one during lunch. Another sitter.  I’ll stop women on the street is I have to. If they have one arm and half a brain, they are more qualified to be a babysitter that that girl I have at home now. I’ll lure them in and trap them where they will serve the rest of their natural lives as little Dud’s babysitter HA HA!

(Sits at desk)

 

ALICIA

What happened?

 

DUDLEY

I called her back at home. She picked up the phone and then dropped the receiver to the floor. I could hear her in the background “Good Grief, I seem to have misplaced the baby!” She was talking to someone on her own cell phone. Then I heard scuffling and more nonsense out of her mouth. I couldn’t make out the words.

 

ALICIA

What happened?

 

DUDLEY

I could hear Little Dud. Not misplaced. On the floor! I guess he was on the floor playing with the receiver and the telephone cord.  Letting it ricochet back and forth like a bungee. The receiver would crash into the phone, and then go back to Little Dud, where he pulled the cord tight as possible. Crash! I bet that babysitter was talking to her boyfriend on her cell phone, letting Little Dud wander around the house, playing with the telephone, unattended!

 

 

ALICIA

I think it’s admirable that you named your son after yourself, Dudley.  Nowadays parents name their kids after a character on TV. My sister named her daughter Alyssa, after the girl from Who’s The Boss. And our parents named her Marcia after the girl from the Brady Bunch. That’s Mar-see-ia. The Puerto Rican pronunciation.

 

DUDLEY

What about you?

 

ALICIA

Let’s just my parents really loved the Brady Bunch. They named me after the maid. Alice – Alicia!

 

DUDLEY

My parents would have named me Missing. They would have given anything to see my face on the back of a milk carton

(Looks at Marla’s fur coat on the chair)

Oh, no not this dirty thing! I thought I never see this again. Keep away from it, Alicia. Bad coat! Bad coat!

 

ALICIA

That’s Marla’s fur coat.  This is the first time I have seen her wear it. I don’t –

 

DUDLEY

I never told you. I worked with her years ago. Well not with her, but she worked in the building I worked in. I think. I never saw her inside. Whenever I went through the main doors, to come in, to go out, or to go for lunch, to run an errand,  there she was, huddling outside the main door, smoking! Huddling in this fur coat, braving the elements

 

ALICIA

Smoking? I thought she quit.  That’s all she talks about.

 

DUDLEY

(Points to coat)

Back then she smoked like a chimney, a smokestack. She was responsible for much of the city’s smog back then.

 

ALICIA

What about the coat?

 

DUDLEY

One day, back at my old job, I was coming back from the bar, er, lunch, when I spotted her in front of the building, smoking, wearing that coat.

 

ALICIA

So? Maybe it was cold.

 

DUDLEY

I got closer to her and noticed that there was...was…was…you know…

 

ALICIA

No, what?

 

DUDLEY

There was –

(Puts finger in his mouth and makes gagging sound)

All over her coat. She told me, or announced to me, in her unintelligible Staten Island accent, as she was sucking on that Virginia Slim, that, on her way down to smoke, she got sick in the elevator, and it must have been the Chinese food she ate at lunch. So, all I could say, as I passed, was “Next time, wear a bib.”

 

ALICIA

I hear she eats Chinese Food every day. Or, I should say orders it every day. The people in Accounts Payable say she orders her Chinese food, opens it, picks at it a bit, and then tosses it all right in the trash. Thinks the black bears and sprouts are bugs…tosses it all out…hhat a waste….I wonder if Wanda Wong would want any of it.  She could take it home to her family.

 

DUDLEY

Well, back then, that time, she tossed it…somewhere else.

(Points to fur coat)

 

ALICIA

That’s disgusting, and she still had to smoke. Wow. Philip Morris would be proud.

 

DUDLEY

When I got back inside the building, the poor custodian had just finished cleaning the elevator car. He said it was like a scene from The Exorcist. Like Mount Vesuvius had just erupted. A giant Volcano! So we gave her a nickname, a good one –

 

ALICIA

Linda Blair?

 

DUDLEY

No. Mount V! Like Mount Vesuvius. And now Mount V is working with me. I don’t know if I should feel honored or disgusted.  Mount V and me! Maybe she is stalking me. Following me through life, an angel of doom.

 

MARLA

(Enters)

Everybody in that pantry hates me. Oh well, it is what it is. I don’t really care about them. This day is just flying by. Oh my gaawwwddd, I can’t believe it’s almost time to go home. Let’s order Chinese for lunch. I have the menu here somewhere. And I found a quarter the floor in there…Nebraska. I only need one more to get all 50 states. Alaska!! Maybe I’ll stop at a Laundromat on the way home and get some quarters.

 

ALICIA

It’s only nine fifteen, Mount – Marla. A Laundromat won’t give you quarters unless you do your laundry there.

 

MARLA

Whatever…and this cute Chinese girl, in the pantry, she was leaning over to look in the icebox for some half and half and she had on the cute green slip under her skirt. So I goes, lemme ask you a question, where did you get that cute green slip? Bloomies?

 

DUDLEY

(Turning away)

How classy to notice someone’s underwear.

 

MARLA

What happened? So I think she told me where she got the slip, but I couldn’t understand a word of what she was sayin’ with that Chinese accent of hers. I gotta find out where she sits, so I can go to her and look at her Chinese menus for lunch. Maybe she has ones I don’t have. Oh my gawwwddd, I need a cigarette. Whatever. I can’t smoke anymore, anyhow. I’m allergic to second hand smoke, you know.

 

DUDLEY

If we are working here by lunch time. If you hadn’t noticed, Marla, people are being laid off today. Many people. The firm is replacing the laid off employees with temps.

MARLA

I been here too long, they’d never fire me.  And I’ve worked in almost every department –

 

DUDLEY

 - been in every department.  Let’s not make fabrications, now.

 

MARLA

Danny, you’re too funny. Lemme ask you a question, Anna, do you like Avon products? Cause there’s a woman on my express bus, which I associate with, she sells Avon, right on the bus. If you want anything, I could get it for you.

 

ALICIA

No thanks. Let’s get back to work. Let me show you how we do things here in Central Files. We use Excel to sort our files.

 

DUDLEY

(Sipping his coffee)

This should be good. You know, my friend runs a temp agency. Or works at a temp agency. Oh my head…

(Winces, then, unseen by the others, opens drawer, pulls out a small flask and pours a bit into coffee, replacing flask in drawer)

 

MARLA

Oh my gaawwwddd, I love Excel. It’s just like Lotus123. I use Lotus 123 to write my emails. At home.

 

DUDLEY

How on earth do you do that? It’s a spreadsheet program, not a mail program.

 

MARLA

Whatever. I open Lotus123. Type my letter, and I put each word in a different cell, so if I want to replace a word with another, it’s easier. And I can sort my letter. And make a chart out of it. I love Lotus123.

 

DUDLEY

Ohhhkayyy.

(Sips coffee)

Much better.

 

MARLA

It is so much better in Lotus123. Then, I go to my Compuserve email. Open it up and attach the Lotus123 file to the email. Use the paper clip. And I send it.

 

ALICIA

We use Excel a little differently here.

 

MARLA

Then my ma knocks on my door and goes. “I got an email from you. What does it say?” So I go to my computer, turn it on, hook onto CompuServe, open the Lotus123 file and read what I clipped on to her it to her.  “Ma, what time is dinner? I want to look through my new Avon order before we eat”.  And if it was early in the morning, I would just replace the “dinner” cell, with “breakfast.” How easy is that? I love Lotus123! But, by the time I get the email and Lotus123 opened, Ma loses interest and goes back downstairs.

(Goes back to menus)

 

DUDLEY

If you say that one more time, my head is going to split open!

 

ALICIA

(Hesitantly)

That’s nice.

 

Not to change the subject, but I can’t be here at eight tomorrow morning. I have to go to my son’s school. Parent teacher conference. Principal too.  Sheesh!

 

DUDLEY

Is everything all right?

 

ALICIA

Nothing major. One of the other students has been complaining that when Hector comes to school, right after his night shift…

 

DUDLEY

Does he fall asleep in class?

 

ALICIA

No, no, Hector gets plenty of sleep when he gets home from school. One of the other students, she sits right behind him, was complaining that he smells like Burger World. Can you imagine! Hector is the neatest, cleanest boy in that school.

 

DUDLEY

Oh no.

 

ALICIA

You see, she is a vegetarian, and the odor offends her.

 

DUDLEY

That’s it? That’s the reason for the parent teacher meeting?

 

ALICIA

No, he’s also been seen, or heard, speaking Spanish at school. They have a strict English only policy there. That’s one of the reasons why I wanted Hector in that school. No Spanish at all. English only.

 

MARLA

A vetegerian, huh, whatever. Oh my gawwwddd. She must be really thin. I am so starting the Weight Watchers next week. We speak English at my house. Real good English.

DUDLEY

If you call that English.

 

MARLA

My bus driver tawks Mexican. When I take the express bus. I don’t know what he tawks when I am not on the bus, though.

(Sneezes)

Oh my gawwwddd, I am getting sick.

 

ALICIA

(Ignoring her)

Anyway, I can’t be here at eight, so can one of you come in early to cover the desk?

 

DUDLEY

I may not even be working here tomorrow…bless you…

(Mumbles)

Maybe it’s that disgusting coat of yours…

 

ALICIA

Stop it, Dudley.

 

MARLA

I can do it. I am here early anyway. I’m usually here by seven. In the city.

 

DUDLEY

You’re here by seven? Whatever for? The building is not even open that early! I’m not even up that early. Or sometimes, not even home yet!

 

MARLA

My ma has me up and out of the house on the first express bus by six thirty. I’m an early riser, she says.  So I just wander around down town, looking in the windows, talking to people at the coffee carts until a little before nine, then I come up here.

 (Sneezes)

But you know what happened this morning? I found a cell phone on the ground, near the coffee cart. See?

(Pulls phone from handbag)

I was gonna see if I could call whoever lost it, but the numbers inside it are all in Mexican. Hey, Anna, you read Mexican, maybe you can figure out who it belongs to.

(Hands phone to Alicia)

Oh look, I forgot to give Ma her mail last night.

(Pulls out letters)

I get it for her before I come in the house, cause she don’t like to go outside in her slippahs…maybe the new Blair catalog came…

(Looks through mail)

 

ALICIA

Give me the cell phone. I’ll see what I can do.

 

DUDLEY

Maybe there’s a reward for it. Maybe it belongs to some big drug lord who’ll pay anything to keep that phone from getting into the wrong hands. Some  kingpin.

 

MARLA

I love bowling.

(Sneezes)

Oh my gawwwddd, I am getting sick. I can’t be sick. You have to be healthy to be on Weight Watchers. Oh well. It is what it is. If I get sick, I get sick.

 

DUDLEY

(irritated)

Bless you.

 

MARLA

Thank you. Are you a priest?

 

DUDLEY

What?

 

MARLA

You’re always blessing me. Only priests did that to me, when I was in church. I sing in church you know. I have my own microphones.

 

DUDLEY

Here we go. No, I am not a priest. I am as far from being a priest as anyone could be.

(Telephone rings)

If it’s that babysitter again –

(Looks at phone)

Oh no, It’s Mrs. Whipple! What do I do?

 

ALICIA

You have to answer it, she knows you’re here.

 

DUDLEY

What does she want? I can’t be fired!

 

ALICIA

It could be anything. Answer it.

 

MARLA

(Leafing through menus)

I wonder what I’ll have for lunch, maybe Chinese…

 

END OF SCENE ONE


 

SCENE TWO

Later that morning

Later that morning. Alicia is on the telephone. Dudley, standing, is packing up his desk. A fire alarm is heard in the background

 

ALICIA

(Into phone, over alarm)

…on the street…I found your cell phone…Encontramos su teléfono cellular… Consígalo de nosotros…. Consígalo de nosotros! Come and get it!

 

DUDLEY

(Leans in)

Rewardo. El rewardo!

 

ALICIA

(Into phone)

El Rewardo!

(Brushes Dudley away)

Lamentable sobre esto, sorry, sorry.

(Puts hand over receiver)

Just keep packing, Dudley. I am trying to get the poor man and his cell phone back together.  You have more important things to worry about. Forget about the reward.

 

DUDLEY

Hey! Tell him that you demand three dollars and eighty six cents in exchange for the cell phone. That’ll make us even.

 

ALICIA

(Into phone)

Call me when you are, I mean, llámeme cuando usted…seis un tres siete siete siete siete, si, si..no problem, si…

(Hangs up. Alarm stops)

 

MARLA

(Entering with box)

Did ya miss me? I left a box of my shoes back in Accounting. It’s so funny that when I went back to get them, my ID card didn’t work. So I knocked on the door, but no one answered. I was like, ok, whatever, but I really needed to get into Accounting. To get under the desk that I sat in, because I left a box of green shoes. Under the desk. I sat next to that blind lady that opened the mail. What was her name? Oh, yea. Daisy Diggs. She and I never really got along.  I don’t think she liked my green shoes.

 

DUDLEY

You didn’t see…eye to eye? You and Daisy Diggs?

 

ALICIA

(Pointing finger at Dudley)

I’ll give you that one. Just because you no longer work here.

 

MARLA

Whatever.

 

DUDLEY

(Ignores Marla)

I’m gonna miss being here. I’m gonna miss you, too Alicia. I can’t believe I was canned. There are a lot of people –

(Glares at Marla)

 - a lot of people who should have been let go. I can’t believe. I ‘m being replaced by a temp!

 

ALICIA

The company saves a bundle that way.

 

MARLA

Lemme ask you two a question, how does that Daisy Diggs know what to do with the mail when she opens it? I wonder if she smells it. Each letter, to see who the letters for. How goes she get to the mailroom every day?

 

ALICIA

Poor Daisy, what a nice girl. Such a shame about her accident.

 

DUDLEY

That’s right. One little slip in the ladies room and – POW! Your life is changed forever. You know, if you look close at her, you can still see the indentation the soap dispenser made in her face when she slipped on the wet tile floor and crashed right into the sink. Head first!

 

ALICIA

The doctor said the sight loss – loss of sight - would be temporary, but it’s been so long now, months, years…

 

DUDLEY

Well, she’s safe from being laid off. They can’t fire anyone in her situation, when they’re receiving workman’s compensation. If you’re injured at work, that is.

 

MARLA

Whatever, but I really needed to get into Accounting, so I went down the hall and pulled the fire alarm. Workman’s comp, huh?

 

ALICIA

(Spies note on her desk)

Oh, I have to call the school. Confirm my meeting tomorrow morning.

(Dials phone)

Is this the - may I speak to the princip – yes, I’ll hold… That was you? You pulled the fire alarm? You can’t do that.

 

DUDLEY

Pulling the fire alarm? That’s grounds for dismissal! I’ll get Mrs. Whipple up here. Maybe it’s not too late to keep my job!

 

MARLA

(In her own defense)

I am perfectly qualified to pull the fire alarm. I was the ladies room searcher at my other job, AND my Pa used to be a fireman. On Staten Island. Whatever. So, all the people from Accounting came out the locked door to see where the fire was. So, I waited until almost everyone was out of Accounting, snuck right past Daisy Diggs, wearing her green St. Patrick’s Day sweater, and went to my desk and got my box of green shoes.  Then, on my way out. I shook the box and there was nothing inside!

(Shows empty box)

 

DUDLEY

Gasp!

 

MARLA

I know, I really liked those shoes. I got them at Bloomies. They were the only shoes in my size that they had. If I saw anybody wearing ‘em, I’d rip em right off their feet! Wouldn’t even undo the laces!

DUDLEY

That could put a blemish in your employment record.

 

MARLA

(sighs)

I hadda buy a pair of green pants to go with them. Oh well, whatever. I never liked the green pants anyway. So just now, I took em off and left em hanging on a chair in the pantry, like a St. Patricks decoration.

ALICIA

I noticed. They certainly brighten up the place.

(To Dudley)

At least you can keep your medical insurance, Dudley. At least for a while.  Until you find something else.

 

MARLA

Good ting I had a spare skirt in my purse. Oh gawddd, I hope I find my green shoes. Hey! Anybody want a pretzel? They’re bits and pieces, but…

(Leans under desk)

 

DUDLEY

(Mocking Marla)

Hey! This is actually good. I can make that doctors appointment for tomorrow! They only have daytime hours, and I really need to see him. You’d think an office full of doctors, one of them could stay after six o’clock at night. You can’t really play golf in the dark.

(Reaches for phone and listens)

It’s been disconnected already! That Mrs. Whipple doesn’t waste much time.

 

ALICIA

Sorry, I’m still on hold. At least they could have hold music…hey, they didn’t put me on hold, they just put the phone down on the desk. I can hear people talking!

(Listens intently)

 

DUDLEY

No problem, I’ll just –

(Realizes that the only other telephone is Marla’s)\

 - use the speaker phone on the conference table here.

(Goes to table and dials speaker phone)

 

ALICIA

(Loudly)

Hello! Hello!

 

PHONE

(Stern German woman)

Zee Doctor’s office, may I help you?

 

DUDLEY

This is Dudley Wright. I‘d like to schedule an appointment for tomorrow with one of the doctors. They’re expecting my call.

 

ALICIA

(Loudly)

Hello! Can you hear me!

MARLA

(Under desk)

Hold on! I’ll look for the pretzels.  They – oh, a Clark Bar! I forgot I had this! I mean, part of a Clark Bar…

 

PHONE

(Stern German woman)

Yes, Mr. Wright, I have your name here; you want to see zee doctor about your impotence situation, right?

(Anita puts hand over receiver and looks at Dudley)

What a large patient file you have! I see it’s an ongoing issue, going way, way  back.

(Dudley looks at Anita, and shrugs, sheepishly)

A little problem with zee ladies, these notes say, am I right, Mr. Wright?

 

DUDLEY

(Turns back to speaker phone; loudly)

No, I’m coming in to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don't want the same doctor that did yours!

(Disconnects call)

Wrong number…ha…

 

ALICIA

I didn’t hear a thing -

(Loudly)

Hello! Can you hear me!

(To Dudley)

I can hear every word they‘re saying! They’re speaking Spanish! How dare they! They’re supposed to be speaking English – Hello?

(Looks at phone)

The other line is ringing! It’s Mrs. Whipple! What do I do?  Qué debo hacer!

 

MARLA

(Leafing through menus)

Good idea…maybe I’ll have Mexican for lunch.

 

DUDLEY

(Goes to his Marla’s phone)

Don’t pick it up! I’ll answer it…Hello Mrs. Whipple…what am I still doing here...well, I have a good bit of stuff to pack…you did…she is…she will? Thank you Mrs. Whipple…ok, Edna…

(Hangs up)

She said that since we don’t work together any more, it’s ok for me to call her Edna.

 

MARLA

(Looking under desk)

I’ll be able to fit a lotta shoes under here. Lemme take a good look.

(Dudley realizes how close Marla is to him and jumps away.)

 

DUDLEY

I’m going to need another box. I’ll look in the hall

(Looks out to hall.)

Oh my gosh…sweet mother of…

 

ALICIA

What?

 

MARLA

(Under desk)

What happened? Look at all the paper clips under here…and a quarter...Idaho…I have that one already. I only need one more. Alaska.

 

DUDLEY

Daisy Diggs - and her green St Patrick’s Day sweater - is out in the hall talking to Wanda Wong…who is…bending over the water cooler…

(Hiding his eyes)

All that green…must…look…away…

 

ALICIA

Not that green slip again…

(Hangs up, and stands)

I’m going out there to talk to Wanda…showing off that slip to everyone in the office is going to get her on Mrs. Whipple’s list, for sure! This is no way for a business to be run! Things are tense enough today without…

(Looks down hall)

Oh, my God…Daisy Diggs is in all green, head to toe…those green slacks look very familiar, I’ve seen them somewhere before…and those green shoes!

 

MARLA

(Under desk)

Green Shoes?

 

DUDLEY

I have bad news for you, Myrna…

 

MARLA

(Under desk)

 

You talking to me?

 

DUDLEY

I think we’ve found your green shoes.  Take a look.

 

MARLA

(Under desk)

Where?

(Peeks out from side of desk)

Oh look…oh my gawwwddd. Daisy Diggs is wearing my green slacks from the pantry, my green shoes, which I thought I lost and her green sweater!  Isn’t that something. Oh well.

 

DUDLEY

You’re not upset?

 

ALICIA

You’re not going to risk your job, go out there and rip em off her feet? Blemish your record?

 

DUDLEY

Blemish your record? Please, for me?

 

MARLA

You know, it is what it is. She must need those shoes more than I do. I got an old pair of Girl Scout socks she can have, too. I hope she likes wool.

(Goes back under desk)

 

DUDLEY

I tried.

 

ALICIA

I feel your pain.

 

MARLA

(Under desk)

It is what it is…hey! Another quarter!

 

ALICIA

Come out from under there, Marla-

 

MARLA

(Under desk)

And it’s… Alaska…see?

(Holds out quarter)

I got all 50! Finally!

(Marla loudly bangs her head on the bottom of the desk)

Owww! Oh, crumbs on a crumpet.

(Alicia and Dudley rush over to the desk, as Alicia’s phone rings)

 

ALICIA

(Looks at phone)

It’s Mrs. Whipple! I’m next!

 

MARLA

I mean…

(Bangs head again)

Owww! Oh, clumbs on a clumpet.

 

END OF SCENE TWO


 

SCENE THREE

Even later that morning

Marla is alone at her desk.  A large cloth bandage covers the top of her head. In front of her is her open handbag, contents strewn about. She is on the telephone.

 

MARLA

(Going through letters)

…no Ma, the Blair catalog did not come in the mail, you better cawwll them……uh huh…uh huh…uh huh…Ma, you are outta your mind… you think that Pa would make up a story about his Uncle Herschel in Clearwater having a stroke just so he could fly to Florida and see Edie Gorme in person? Why don’t you just cawwlll Uncle Herschel and see how he is doing…I don’t have his number, Ma. I have no reason to cawwlll him. So why would I –

(Stops and looks at letter)

Oh, Ma, Pa got a letter from Florida….from Uncle Herschel in Clearwater…open it? I am not going to open Pa’s mail…

Dudley and Alicia enter, carrying envelopes)

Ma, I gotta go. Meet me at the bus stop with a pack a cigarettes…

(Hangs up)

 

ALICIA

Well, that was some surprise.

 

DUDLEY

I have to confess, that Mrs. Whipple isn’t so bad after all. This is some severance package. And she is letting me keep my child care benefits for six months? I could have little Dud sold and shipped off to 

 

ALICIA

Stop that, Dudley.

(Goes to her desk)

I don’t think much will come of it, but it was nice of her to forward our names to the temp agency that the company uses.-

(sees Marla)

Oh, Hello Marla, how are you feeling? That’s some bump on your head.

 

MARLA

Oooh, I’m awllright.

 

DUDLEY

Maybe you should go home.

 

MARLA

I can’t The house is locked until six, and the express bus doesn’t run during the day…and I haven’t had lunch yet…

TO BE CONTINUED