“CRUMMY”

By Johnny Culver

917 691 6884


 

Characters

 

ELMER – Quiet, simple, middle aged

DORETTE – A little off, middle aged

LOREEN – Vibrant, yet faded, middle aged

 

Scene 1

A small sparse kitchen with a swinging door to another room and a back door which leads outside.

 

Dorette sits at the table, head in her hands. Behind her the door to the icebox is open.

 

ELMER
(Off) Dorette! Your sister will be here any minute! Are you dressed? Dorette? (Elmer enters and sees Dorette) Dorette? (mumbling) What now? (Goes to icebox and closed door) What happened? (picks up eyeglasses) Here are your glasses. Put them back on.

 

DORETTE

Thank you, Elmer. (puts glasses on) Crummy glasses! They’re going to need a little more tape, I think. Oh, crumbs!

 

ELMER

There’s plenty in the drawer.

 

DORETTE

Elmer, I can’t take this anymore. I’m packing up my things and going back to live with my sister. This is all too…difficult! She can take me back tonight.

 

ELMER

Dorette, what happened? I think you’re still a overwhelmed. Let me get you a glass of cold water. (he goes to the sink and gets a glass) You look a little warm.

 

DORETTE

Don’t bother with the crummy water faucet, Elmer. I broke it.

 

ELMER

Broke it?

 

DORETTE

I t won’t give hot water or cold water! You lift of the faucet and plain water comes out. It won’t change temperature. Everything I do here goes wrong.

 

ELMER

You lift it, then move it from side to side, Dorette, and then you get hot and cold water. I thought I explained that to you, when you moved in. (hands her water) But that was a week ago, you may have forgotten.

 

DORETTE

You’re right, I must have forgotten, Elmer. There’s so much to remember. Thank you. (drinks water). It tastes like the cold water from my sisters faucet. Like I was back there. Just Loreen and me. She’ll take me back, I know it.

 

ELMER

This water faucet…it’s just something that you have to adjust to. You adjusted to other things here. Most things. You don’t want to go back with your sister. I don’t want you to go back.

 

DORETTE

You’re right. I adjusted to sleeping on the couch at night. With my cardboard box nearby. And I don’t have to go very far in the morning to get my food in the morning. And I adjusted to making salad every night.

 

ELMER

That’s not quite what I meant-!

 

DORETTE

But it’s been very difficult for me. This place, your place, has things I never had in my sister’s apartment. A radio by the couch. My own shelf by the kitchen sink to put my toothbrush and water glass. A box in the wall that makes a noise when someone is here.

 

ELMER

I want you to be comfortable, Dorette. Let’s go get you ready to see your sister. She is going to take us out for some food.

 

DORETTE

Then she can take me home with her.

 

ELMER

No, then, after she brings us back, we can put away your book collection. Like you wanted to. Is that pretty dress of yours still in your box?

 

DORETTE

All my things – most of them – are still in my cardboard box.

 

ELMER

Once you’re all cleaned up, you’ll feel better-

 

DORETTE

All these modern things! Just now, I was putting the leftover salad into the icebox. In those crummy bags (points to floor).

 

ELMER

They didn’t get very far, I see. Your salad.

 

DORETTE

I opened the icebox door, and was about to put the bags of leftover salad into the drawer at the bottom, when I noticed…I noticed…

 

ELMER

It’s not broken, is it?

 

DORETTE

The front of the drawer said…dairy!! Your icebox was telling me not to put salad in the drawer, but to put dairy in the drawer!

 

ELMER

It’s only a…

 

DORETTE

Then I looked at the other door and it said “produce”! Telling me to be more productive! How much salad does that icebox want me to make?  (stands) I’m sorry, Elmer, this isn’t going to work out. I can’t work as hard as that icebox wants me to!

 

ELMER

Work? (sighs) Dorette, I want you to be happy here. Let’s forget about your dress, and put away your book collection.

 

DORETTE

I did. This morning. When you left and didn’t come back for eight hours.

 

ELMER

I…I…went to look for work, Dorette.  I have been doing it every day. Since you came here. Where is your book collection? Lets see it?

 

DORETTE

On my shelf, by the kitchen sink. It won’t take long to pack them up. I can put them back in my box. I want to go home.

 

ELMER

(Goes to shelf and look, sighing) “Telephone Area Code Guide” and “Around the World in 2000 Pictures”. (door buzzs) There’s your sister. Dorette, please think about what you are doing.

 

DORETTE

(jumps) The box on the wall!  Someone is going to be here soon, I just know it.

 

ELMER

It’s your sister.

 

DORETTE

I like my books. I always wanted to travel, Elmer. (Stands, takes books), I’ll put these books back in my box, and take them back to my sister’s. I’ll take them with me when I travel with my sister.

 

ELMER

Dorette, please…what can I say?

 

DORETTE

There’s nothing you can say, Elmer. (points to icebox) And, there nothing more YOU can tell me to do! (she leaves room)

 

ELMER

(calls to her) I like your salad, Dorette! (There is a knock at the door, Elmer opens it and Loreen enters)

 

LOREEN

Hello Elmer.

 

ELMER

Loreen, she wants to come home with you. I can’t let her. You can’t let her.

 

LOREEN

She does? Have you been taking care of her? Like you promised? (she goes to table and sits)

 

ELMER

Of course I have.  In the morning, we eat. I o go out and look for work, and she stays with her radio and makes salad. At night, we eat, and we talk-

 

LOREEN

Talk? What could she possibly talk about?

 

ELMER

I talk mostly. She sits and looks at her book, or listens to the radio. But, Loreen, she wants to come back with you. Tonight.

 

LOREEN

Elmer, you promised to keep her happy, you promised to keep her here. You aren’t…taking advantage of her, are you?

 

ELMER

I would never to that! Never! Loreen, I need the money you are giving me to take care of her. Don’t let her go back with you. Without the money you leave by my door, I’ll –

LOREEN

Money? What are- (The door swings open and Dorette enters with her box) Well,  Dorette, are you ready to go out for some food. Why aren’t you wearing your dress? Or cleaned up?

 

DORETTE

I’m not wearing my crummy dress. I want you to take me home.

 

ELMER

Let’s all go out for some food, and have a nice time. Ok? Dorette?  Loreen? You can clean up later.

 

LOREEN

Later? Elmer, you promised you were going take care of her and keep her clean. This isn’t working out.

 

DORETTE

The icebox tells me what to do. Tells me to work harder. To be more productive. To make more salad.  Loreen, and it tells me what to put in its crummy drawers.

 

LOREEN

Dorette, you and I are going out for some food. Bring your box and we’ll be going. Elmer, I’ m sorry this didn’t work out. Goodbye. (goes through open door)

 

ELMER

No! Dorette! Please stay!

 

DORETTE

Goodbye, Elmer. (She goes through the door and stops) And I won’t be leaving money by your door for you anymore. You’re too crummy. And not very smart. You should have taken advantage of me. (They leave)

 

ELMER

Taken advantage? (sits) I didn’t like her crummy salad anyway.

 

CURTAIN