“CRUMMY”
By Johnny Culver
917 691 6884
Characters
ELMER
– Quiet, simple, middle aged
DORETTE
– A little off, middle aged
LOREEN
– Vibrant, yet faded, middle aged
Scene 1
A
small sparse kitchen with a swinging door to another room and a back door which
leads outside.
Dorette sits at the table, head in her hands. Behind her the door
to the icebox is open.
ELMER
(Off) Dorette!
Your sister will be here any minute! Are you dressed? Dorette?
(Elmer enters and sees Dorette) Dorette? (mumbling) What now? (Goes to icebox and
closed door) What happened? (picks up
eyeglasses) Here are your glasses. Put them back on.
DORETTE
Thank
you, Elmer. (puts glasses on) Crummy
glasses! They’re going to need a little more tape, I think. Oh, crumbs!
ELMER
There’s
plenty in the drawer.
DORETTE
Elmer,
I can’t take this anymore. I’m packing up my things and going back to live with
my sister. This is all too…difficult! She can take me back tonight.
ELMER
Dorette, what happened? I think you’re still a overwhelmed. Let me
get you a glass of cold water. (he goes
to the sink and gets a glass) You look a little warm.
DORETTE
Don’t
bother with the crummy water faucet, Elmer. I broke it.
ELMER
Broke
it?
DORETTE
I
t won’t give hot water or cold water! You lift of the faucet and plain water
comes out. It won’t change temperature. Everything I do here goes wrong.
ELMER
You
lift it, then move it from side to side, Dorette, and
then you get hot and cold water. I thought I explained that to you, when you
moved in. (hands her water) But that
was a week ago, you may have forgotten.
DORETTE
You’re
right, I must have forgotten, Elmer. There’s so much to remember. Thank you. (drinks water). It tastes like the cold
water from my sisters faucet. Like I was back there. Just Loreen
and me. She’ll take me back, I know it.
ELMER
This
water faucet…it’s just something that you have to adjust to. You adjusted to
other things here. Most things. You don’t want to go back with your sister. I
don’t want you to go back.
DORETTE
You’re
right. I adjusted to sleeping on the couch at night. With my cardboard box
nearby. And I don’t have to go very far in the morning to get my food in the
morning. And I adjusted to making salad every night.
ELMER
That’s
not quite what I meant-!
DORETTE
But
it’s been very difficult for me. This place, your place, has things I never had
in my sister’s apartment. A radio by the couch. My own shelf by the kitchen
sink to put my toothbrush and water glass. A box in the wall that makes a noise
when someone is here.
ELMER
I
want you to be comfortable, Dorette. Let’s go get you
ready to see your sister. She is going to take us out for some food.
DORETTE
Then
she can take me home with her.
ELMER
No,
then, after she brings us back, we can put away your book collection. Like you
wanted to. Is that pretty dress of yours still in your box?
DORETTE
All
my things – most of them – are still in my cardboard box.
ELMER
Once
you’re all cleaned up, you’ll feel better-
DORETTE
All
these modern things! Just now, I was putting the leftover salad into the
icebox. In those crummy bags (points to
floor).
ELMER
They
didn’t get very far, I see. Your salad.
DORETTE
I
opened the icebox door, and was about to put the bags of leftover salad into
the drawer at the bottom, when I noticed…I noticed…
ELMER
It’s
not broken, is it?
DORETTE
The
front of the drawer said…dairy!! Your icebox was telling me not to put salad in
the drawer, but to put dairy in the drawer!
ELMER
It’s
only a…
DORETTE
Then
I looked at the other door and it said “produce”! Telling me to be more
productive! How much salad does that icebox want me to make? (stands)
I’m sorry, Elmer, this isn’t going to work out. I can’t work as hard as
that icebox wants me to!
ELMER
Work?
(sighs) Dorette,
I want you to be happy here. Let’s forget about your dress, and put away your
book collection.
DORETTE
I
did. This morning. When you left and didn’t come back for eight hours.
ELMER
I…I…went
to look for work, Dorette. I have been doing it every day. Since you
came here. Where is your book collection? Lets see
it?
DORETTE
On
my shelf, by the kitchen sink. It won’t take long to pack them up. I can put
them back in my box. I want to go home.
ELMER
(Goes to shelf and look, sighing) “Telephone
Area Code Guide” and “Around the
World in 2000 Pictures”. (door buzzs) There’s
your sister. Dorette, please think about what you are
doing.
DORETTE
(jumps) The box on the wall! Someone is going to be here soon, I just know
it.
ELMER
It’s
your sister.
DORETTE
I
like my books. I always wanted to travel, Elmer. (Stands, takes books), I’ll put these books back in my box, and
take them back to my sister’s. I’ll take them with me when I travel with my
sister.
ELMER
Dorette, please…what can I say?
DORETTE
There’s
nothing you can say, Elmer. (points to
icebox) And, there nothing more YOU can tell me to do! (she leaves room)
ELMER
(calls to her) I like your salad, Dorette! (There is a
knock at the door, Elmer opens it and Loreen enters)
LOREEN
Hello
Elmer.
ELMER
Loreen, she wants to come home with you. I can’t let her. You
can’t let her.
LOREEN
She
does? Have you been taking care of her? Like you promised? (she goes to table and sits)
ELMER
Of
course I have. In the morning, we eat. I
o go out and look for work, and she stays with her radio and makes salad. At
night, we eat, and we talk-
LOREEN
Talk?
What could she possibly talk about?
ELMER
I
talk mostly. She sits and looks at her book, or listens to the radio. But, Loreen, she wants to come back with you. Tonight.
LOREEN
Elmer,
you promised to keep her happy, you promised to keep her here. You
aren’t…taking advantage of her, are you?
ELMER
I
would never to that! Never! Loreen, I need the money
you are giving me to take care of her. Don’t let her go back with you. Without
the money you leave by my door, I’ll –
LOREEN
Money?
What are- (The door swings open and Dorette enters with her box) Well, Dorette, are you
ready to go out for some food. Why aren’t you wearing your dress? Or cleaned
up?
DORETTE
I’m
not wearing my crummy dress. I want you to take me home.
ELMER
Let’s
all go out for some food, and have a nice time. Ok? Dorette? Loreen? You can
clean up later.
LOREEN
Later?
Elmer, you promised you were going take care of her and keep her clean. This
isn’t working out.
DORETTE
The
icebox tells me what to do. Tells me to work harder. To be more productive. To
make more salad. Loreen,
and it tells me what to put in its crummy drawers.
LOREEN
Dorette, you and I are going out for some food. Bring your box and
we’ll be going. Elmer, I’ m sorry this didn’t work out. Goodbye. (goes through open door)
ELMER
No!
Dorette! Please stay!
DORETTE
Goodbye,
Elmer. (She goes through the door and
stops) And I won’t be leaving money by your door for you anymore. You’re
too crummy. And not very smart. You should have taken advantage of me. (They leave)
ELMER
Taken
advantage? (sits) I didn’t like her
crummy salad anyway.
CURTAIN