”THE HOUSE ON THE HILL”
A play in one act
By Johnny Culver
Johnny Culver
2273 43rd Street
Astoria, NY 11105
917 691 6884
CHARACTERS
JERRY ANDREWS- writer, early twenties, in step with today, sarcastic, driven, a little
sneaky.
RALPH HOLLISTER- office clerk, early twenties, an unfit mama’s boy. Paranoid, nervous,
new to town, and overwhelmed.
WANDA
GRISBY – early twenties, goofy, pudgy,
the girl you avoid eye contact with for fear she may strike up a conversation.
SETTING
The large balcony of a Brooklyn apartment
during the summer of 1977. An electric
typewriter and radio sit on a glass table. There are a few chairs. A door leads
to the rest of the apartment. There is a window which looks into the kitchen.
The radio is slightly out of tune, floating between stations.
SCENE ONE
It is early morning, the start of
another dirty humid day.
JERRY
(Sneaks on porch, and slowly closes door behind him. He sits in front of
his electric typewriter at a glass table, food wrappers and foam cups strewn
about. A table fan blows hot air) Was the radio on all night? (Turns
radio down)
Ow! You could fry an egg on that!
He takes his notes-crumpled napkins from his pockets, arranges them and
begins to type. Suddenly a car horn is heard. Jerry runs to the railing and
looks out)
That’s my car! No! Stop! Don’t tow it! I’ll get you
the money….Ahhhhh, what’s the use…
(He turns and goes back to his typewriter)
No job,
up to my ears in debt, and now no car…I am NEVER playing cards again!
(He pats typewriter)
You are
gonna be my ticket outta this mess. “The
House on the Hill” by me, Jerry Andrews!
(He resumes typing after a few moments; Ralph enters closing the door
behind him, ready for work. He is overdressed for this hot weather)
RALPH
I think I overslept…You’re up
early. Well, today’s the day…I’m all packed…
JERRY
(Stuffs napkins under typewriter)
Up? I never
went down.
(Looks at watch, sees it is not on his wrist)
I get the feeling you’re running late. Did you eat
breakfast?
RALPH
I don’t have much time, so I just drank that can of
orange soda that was on the kitchen counter. Hope you don’t mind.
JERRY
Soda? Ralph, that was a can of orange juice,
concentrated orange juice that I was thawing out!
RALPH
Oh, sorry. It was a little…pulpy. Oh well,
since I‘m moving out today, that’ll never happen again.
(Wipes brow)
You’ve been out here all night? In this humidity? That fan isn’t going to
help you too much.
(Hands him watch)
Oh here, I guess I borrowed your watch yesterday.
It was on the floor by the couch. I bet it fell off when I was sleeping. I
don’t remember.
JERRY
No problem, thanks
(Grabs watch)
Did you know that the garbage is picked up at 3:45
AM? And the Goldfarb’s upstairs fight
til long after Johnny Carson is over? And the noise! How can anyone sleep with
all that noise?
RALPH
I didn’t hear a thing. I was out
like a log.
JERRY
It’s out like a light. And no wonder you
didn’t hear, with that electric substation of an air conditioner you put in the
living room window. I swear the lights on the Brooklyn Bridge flicker whenever
you turn it on.
RALPH
Stop.
JERRY
Do you get your electricity directly from the third
rail on the Lexington Avenue line?
RALPH
Quit it. I like to be cool at night. I deserve it.
And it’s good for my…condition….
JERRY
Cool is one thing. But cryogenically preserved is
another. Are there wooly mammoths under the couch?
RALPH
Leave me alone…well; Wanda Grisby should be here
any minute. It’s so nice that she goes out of her way to give me a ride to work.
When I move into the spare room in her apartment today, she won’t have to go
out of her way. Did you know we both work in the same supply room? Did you know
that her apartment building has central air conditioning?
JERRY
You’ve told me that, Ralph, several times.
(Rustles through papers and finds a message)
Oh, you got a phone call a few minutes ago. They said
for you not to come in to work.
RALPH
Why? Am I fired? I’ve only been there for a month.
What am I gonna do? Wanda will be all alone in the supply room! And mother! She
told me I could never move back home! I’ll be on the streets…me and my air
conditioner…foraging for food, and electricity…
JERRY
No, no, calm down. The city is asking businesses to
cut power, so a lot of companies are closing til this heat wave passes. Maybe
you can catch your little girlfriend before she leaves home and let her know.
Although I would like to meet her. I’ve heard so much-
RALPH
She left her house already. I know her pretty well
by now She is very punctual. I’ll just stay out here with you for a while. And I bet Wanda’s never met a real writer
before!
(Undoes clip on-tie)
My gosh, it’s humid out here.
(Takes off jacket)
I don’t want to have to pay to get this suit
pressed again for no reason…
(Goes to railing)
It sure has been nice living here in Brooklyn for
the past month, Jerry. It’s been nice, spending
time on this balcony…what a great view you have I’d never been this high up – five
floors! Oh, don’t mind me; you just go back to your writing. I know how
important it is for you.
JERRY
The submission deadline is noon today. I just have
to get it in by then. Imagine my first, um-! That 1000 dollar prize isn’t too
bad either. I’ll finally be able to pay off –
(Changes subject)
My car’s in the shop. I guess I’ll have to walk to
midtown.
RALPH
Too bad you can’t write for
television…I’d be a real fan of yours then…
JERRY
Ralph, you don’t have a television, how could you-
RALPH
I read the TV Guide listings, Jerry, that’s good
enough for me. If you need any help with
your writing…maybe I could take a look at it…I’ve written things before you
know.
JERRY
(Hiding pager in typewriter)
No! I mean, it’s not ready for anyone to look at
just yet. I want to go though it a few more times. Before this typewriter
overheats!
RALPH
I like the title
“The House on the Hill”. Sounds like where I lived, growing up…
(Fidgety)
There’s nothing to do out here and I‘m hot!
JERRY
Go inside with your air
conditioner and finish packing.
RALPH
I have to wait for Wanda. And I’m done packing.
How’d you learn to be a writer?
JERRY
(Holds up book)
I read it in this book. It’s been pretty useful.
RALPH
(Glances at book)
“Writing
for Beginners” Well, I was in a play in grammar
school…and I wrote my own lines…
JERRY
(Not listening)
Oh…
RALPH
It was all about the hazards of picnicking
outdoors…some of the other kids were ants, some were bees…Wilma Frankwurst
played one of the picnickers…some kid from another class was a bottle of Catsup.
He wore a red ski mask…he lived at the bottom of the hill…
(Begins to fade away)
…the girl who sat in front of me played a ham sandwich…
JERRY
(Giving
in) Ok, what were you in this
theatrical extravaganza?
RALPH
I…well…I played…the grass that the others had a
picnic on….a non speaking part…but I wore my green Robert Bruce hooded sweater.
The bottle of catsup spilled all over me…
JERRY
Ralph, this says a lot about your personality. At
that age, letting others walk all over you, spill on you, and in front of an
audience at that! And you said you wrote your own lines! How could it be a non
speaking part?
RALPH
The teacher cut them. I stuttered so much I
couldn’t get the words out. The play was kind of unmemorable…but during the
performance, Wilma Frankwurst caught me mouthing her lines as a picnicker…
(Remembers lines)
”My,
that potato salad looks good…those ants aren’t getting any of THIS Duncan Hines
cake, even though it is moist and delicious…”
JERRY
You had advertising in your school
play? Product placement?
RALPH
After the performance, Wilma Frankwurst chased me
out to the playground, and ripped the hood off my new Robert Bruce
sweater! Ripped the zippered hood right
off! Ripped!
JERRY
Maybe she liked you. Girls have a
funny way of showing their affection.
RALPH
I guess so. In the lunchroom that afternoon, she
passed a little too close when I was sitting…alone, as usual… and spilled hot
chicken soup down my back!
JERRY
Maybe she wanted to make you
forget about your ripped hood.
RALPH
I was taken to the nurse’s office, where I was told
to wait for someone to pick my up. I waited until after school was out and my
mother came to take me home…on her way home from work. Over four hours! Boy was
she mad! Madder than a room full of Wilma Frankwursts!
JERRY
You could have taken the school
bus…
RALPH
(agitated) And let Wilma Frankwurst get me again? Not likely.
JERRY
(Door intercom buzzes)
I’ll get that…
(He jumps and heads into the kitchen)
I don’t know why you’re so afraid of this intercom
anyway.
(We see him thru window at intercom)
Hello?
RALPH
(Goes to window and looks in)
I bet its Wanda.
WANDA(off)
Hello?
JERRY
Who is this?
RALPH
It must be Wanda.
WANDA(off)
Is this Ralph Hollister?
JERRY
No, this is Jerry Andrews.
WANDA(off)
Oh sorry, I musta pushed the wrong button. This
pencil keeps slipping, ‘cause my hands are so sweaty.
RALPH
It sounds like Wanda. Tell her to
come on up.
JERRY
Why is she using a pencil to push
the intercom button?
WANDA(off)
For your information, I am using this pencil to
push the button so I don’t get shocked. Electricity and me don’t get along so
well.
JERRY
Wanda, come on up.
WANDA(off)
To a strangers apartment? I’m not
that kinda girl, Mr. Andrews!
RALPH
(Calls
out) It’s OK. Wanda, he’s not that
strange. Come on up.
WANDA(off)
Is that Ralph? What are you doing
in a stranger’s apartment? I’ll be right up!
JERRY
She’d better hurry before they
turn the elevator off. To save electricity.
RALPH
The elevator is being turned off? She wouldn’t use
the elevator anyway. It’s electric. She got stuck in the elevator at work a few
weeks ago. For two hours!
JERRY
What?
RALPH
So she uses the stairs at work. I can’t take the
stairs. With my condition, and all. And these boxes I have to move, and my air
conditioner…did I tell you about my condition?
JERRY
You have been talking about your
condition since the day I met you.
RALPH
You didn’t meet me, I met you. I remember it very
clearly. I remember you asked me so many questions…
JERRY
I wanted to find out a little
about you.
RALPH
(Still remembering)
Never been a roommate before. Always lived at home
with mother…with my condition and all.
(Pokes thru trash)
What’s this part about a family gathering? The
mother is talking about things she did at family gatherings?
JERRY
(Comes
out to balcony) Enough about your condition,
for Pete’s sake…
(Yanks sheet from Ralph)
What’s so unusual about family gatherings? The
mother is simply relating what she remembers about them. The games they played
and how they entertained each other.
RALPH
When I was little, the rest of our family - aunts
and cousins- used to put on little shows about important events in our family’s
history. When they would come to visit mother and me. Like a few of them would get together and act
out when my grandmother met my grandfather at the shore, or when my cousin
graduated from college.
JERRY
Whats wrong with that? It sounds
fun.
RALPH
Mother wouldn’t agree with you. She never
participated. If she did, I’m sure she’d recreate some less pleasant things….me
being kicked out of cub scouts because I forgot to bring the cookies and apple
juice…Mother slipping under our lawn mower and almost losing her hand….then
taking my cat away from me because I failed Chemistry…
JERRY
(Kidding)
Did she ever give the cat back?
RALPH
No. I never saw Toodles again…it
ruined my senior year in high school…
(Fading out)
This heat…I bet Wanda will want
something to drink.
JERRY
Tell her we’re out of orange soda.
RALPH
That’s not funny. I said I was sorry about the
juice…
(Stands)
Funny
thing, Mother and I lived in a big
white house that sat on top of a hill in town. Mother’s family had lived there
for generations. She said it was part of
the Underground Railroad. Mother used to tell me about the secret passageways
and tunnels. I never looked for them though. What if I got stuck in one of
them? I’d be trapped, with no air
(Panicking)
…breathe… breathe….
(Calms down)
It was the
biggest house in town.
(Straightens up porch)
Mother said
her family used to have a lot of money. Don’t ask me where it all went. Mother
changed jobs so much, we could have lived anywhere
(Goes in)
I don’t think we were poor; it just seemed that
Mother never had any money. I would ask her for something, and they would say
they couldn’t afford it. She always had money to go out at night with her
friends, though.
JERRY
Well, it’s all different now, Ralph. You have a job;
you earn a good salary
(Irritated)
Just let me
get back to work. Play cards or
something. There are a few decks by the kitchen window. I don’t use them
anymore.
(Ralph goes in to kitchen window. We can still see him)
RALPH
Should I use the every day playing
cards or the special occasion playing cards?
JERRY
Use the good ones, heat waves like
this don’t come along every day.
RALPH
(Returning)
I used to sit in the front yard, under these old
trees, after school, playing Go Fish for One. It’s not easy playing Go Fish all
alone…
(Looks at playing cards)
Oh no, not these playing cards! I‘m going to use
the other ones.
(Goes back into kitchen)
JERRY
What’s wrong with those playing cards? They’re in
great condition. I’ve had them for years.
RALPH
They’re the Titanic
playing cards! They’re depressing.
(Remembering)
You are having a grand time, playing “Go Fish for
One”. Then you ask your opponent – yourself - if they have any threes. Then you
say “Go Fish” and you reach down in the grass for a new playing card, and you
see…the sketch of the Titanic sinking on the back of the cards and you think of
all those lost souls…men women and children…and suddenly getting any more threes
doesn’t seem so important any more.
JERRY
I don’t believe you, Ralph. You’re
too much sometimes.
RALPH
Here we go! These cards are much better.
(Comes back to porch)
The TWA
playing cards. No depressing thoughts there…except if they assign you the
middle seat. Not that I’ve ever been in an airplane before…oh, we’re out of
paper napkins again…I’ll bring more home from the break room tomorrow.
JERRY
(Takes final page out of typewriter)
Done! The
House on the Hill is complete! Hello 1000 dollars!
(Puts script into envelope)
Speaking of cards, I don’t think you’re playing
with a full deck!
RALPH
(Puts down cards)
OK! That’s it. You’ve done nothing but pick on me
this morning. And now you’re picking on my playing cards! I’m going inside, sit on the couch by my air
conditioner and..
(The large fan and the radio suddenly stops)
JERRY
You may want to rethink the air conditioner part of
that. A brownout! Great! I hope I can get this delivered by noon!
RALPH
The elevator must be out! I’m trapped here. On this
sun baked, hot porch. And with my condition! The paramedics would never get here
in time!
JERRY
(He has had it)
Enough about your condition!
(Goes to Ralph)
Ralph, lot of people talk in their sleep. Millions
of people do. It‘s not a big deal. It’s normal.
(There is a door knock from inside)
That must be your little friend. I’ll let her in.
Then the two of you can turn around and leave me alone for the rest of the day!
Maybe her mother will let you move in early…
(Goes)
RALPH
(Calls after)
Oh yea? Well…
(Sighs)
I haven’t had good nights sleep in weeks, with my
condition, and all…
(Looks around porch)
I’m not carrying my boxes down all those flights of
stairs…the elevator better be back on soon.
(Is a little frazzled)
This heat, it’s not good for someone with my
condition to be out in this heat.
(Looks at trash)
What a
waste of good typing paper. He could have least used the other sides for notes
or list making or scratch paper.…
(Scans papers)
.Cut it up…to make small shopping lists or wrap gum in - what is this?
(Ralph reads aloud what is typed on the sheets of paper)
When are you going to stop
stuttering, Mortimer? When are you going to stop making a fool out of me with
your stuttering/?
What?
(Looks through trash)
Mortimer, I forbid you to
stay overnight with those boys. What if you start talking in your sleep and say
something about… me? Do you want the whole town will know what a drunk your poor
mother is?!
(Getting more angry)
What? Stuttering?
This Mortimer sounds just like me…little Ralph, back home, with Mother… but no
one knows this, any of this…
(Takes out another sheet
from the trash)
Mortimer, run down the hill and get your mother a bottle of
wine…tell them I’ll pay them next week and don’t talk to that boy at the bottom
of the hill!
How could Jerry have known all of this-?
(Wanda enters. She
perspires heavily and is out of breath. She goes right to the chair and
collapses onto the typewriter)
Wanda, are you allright? I’ll get you some water!
(Calls out to Jerry)
Jerry…water!!
(Shoves paper back into
trash can)
WANDA
(Gasping)
Five flights a stairs! Five flights!
(Jerry enters with a pitcher
and a glass of water. Wanda grabs the glass, drinks, then takes the pitcher
from Jerry and drinks from that)
Ahhhhhhhhh!
(Puts down pitcher, and
wipes her mouth with her sleeve)
You must be the strange guy, Jerry.
You got nice sets a stairs there, Jerry. But did’ja need all five flights
of em?
JERRY
Excuse
me.
(Jerry takes envelope from
the table)
(to Ralph)
Why
didn’t she just call you from the pay phone on the corner?
RALPH
(Upset by Wanda’s
condition)
She’s afraid of pay phones, too. A
few weeks ago, she got her finger stuck in the dial of one when she was at
Gimbel’s. They had to use a jar of Norrell Fountain of Youth cream to get her
finger unstuck. (consoles Wanda)
Calm down there, Wanda. Catch your breath…
(thinking)
Hmmm, good thing she used the pay phone in the Norrell section…
WANDA
I went to Gimbels to pick up a bottle of Norrell perfume fer my Aunt Muriel. I didn’t know what size bottle ta get
so I tried ta call her on the pay phone…long story short, Gimbels ended up
giving me the rest of the jar of Norrell Fountain of Youth cold cream; so I
gave that to Aunt Muriel instead. She uses it every day. Three times a day!
Geez, look at me, I’m sweating bullets…
(Sits up and points to
typewriter)
…you may want to unplug this thing, so I don’t get shocked…they don’t
let me near them typewriters at work, either.
JERRY
Allright.
(Put down manuscript and
yanks plug from the wall outlet)
There. That’s quite a purse you have there…
WANDA
You shouldn’t pull plugs out like that, you can get shocked that way too…this
purse?
(Pulls purse close to her)
Used to be my aunt Muriel’s. You can’t have it.
(Sees playing cards)
Playing cards? Are these the ones
you were talking about at work? Those Titanic ones? These give ya the heebee jeebees?
RALPH
(Ignoring Jerry)
I was just about to play a hand of Go Fish for One. With the TWA cards.
Since the office is closed.
WANDA
I was just gonna tell ya that, Ralphie, the office called me too. Aunt Muriel picked up the phone. It was nice a them to do that. Whet if
we was there – at the office and the electricity went out…
(Slides chair over to sit
next to him)
Get ready for a few hands of Go Fish for Two, Ralphie, and cause after
walking up all them steps, I –and my purse- are not moving for the rest
of the day!
(Wanda fans herself with
the manuscript envelope)
JERRY
Count me out of your little poker game, Wanda; I have a manuscript to
deliver!
(Checks watch)
I’ve got three hours, it’s such a nice day, I think I’ll walk….I’ve got
plenty of time. See you two later! (He
yanks the envelope from her, thoughtfully pats it and heads out the door, not
closing it behind him.)
WANDA
Hey! Whatever’s in that envelope must be pretty
important, More important than keeping me ventilated. I had the top down in Aunt Muriel’s car all
the way here! That’s why my hair is so messed up.
(Tries to fix hair)
RALPH
(Gets up and closes door)
Keep the cool air inside! It’s a
writing thing he has been working on, for quite a while now. Today is the
deadline.
WANDA
For what?
RALPH
(sits)
He’s entering it into some kind of writing contest.
The deadline is noon today. The first prize is 1000 dollars.
WANDA
That’s a lotta money! You don’t sound too happy
about it, Ralphie.
(Takes cards)
You wanna deal?
RALPH
I’m not touching those Titanic cards. I’m upset
enough already without having to think about all that tragedy. You can deal.
(stretches)
I feel like I haven’t had good nights sleep in
weeks. It’ll be nicer when I have my own room; a month of sleeping on that
couch is a month too long! I feel like the whole world is watching me…
WANDA
Where ya gonna get your own room? Whatta you so
upset about? You don’t look too good, either. Why do you look so pale?
(Looks closer)
And why do yer teeth look all orange? Don’t you
brush? Aunt Muriel has an electric toothbrush, but you know me and electrics…
RALPH
I’m a little upset, I think.
(Holding head)
Wanda, I’m moving into the spare room in your
apartment with central air conditioning, remember? You offered! Today’s the
day!
WANDA
(Deals)
Oh yea, well, Ralphie, there’s something I gotta
tell ya. We don’t got a spare room…yet.
RALPH
I’m all packed. Except for my air conditioner, that
is. I can get that later. No spare room?
WANDA
Well, ya see, my Aunt Muriel,
well, she’s not dead yet.
RALPH
What does that have to do with
anything?
WANDA
Well, when she was gonna die; her room would turn
into the spare room. And I was gonna rent it out to ya…
(Thinks)
I guess that jar of Norrell Fountain of Youth cream
I gave Aunt Muriel really did the trick…got any threes?
RALPH
What? I’m all ready to move out! I can’t live here
any more, Wanda, what am I gonna do? And now this? I can’t take any more.
(He turns away from the table)
I’m not feeling so good. And with my…condition and
all…
WANDA
I only asked fer a three, Ralphie. And will ya turn
round and look at me? They just playing cards.
RALPH
I don’t feel like playing cards
any more, Wanda. It’s too hot…
(Slumps in chair)
WANDA
I know, Ralphie, its pretty hot out here.
(Puts away cards)
Let’s talk then.
(Looks around)
What’s eating ya? I’m sure that Jerry guy will let
you stay here a little longer, since he’s done with his writing. He may be
strange, but he seems ok to me.
RALPH
Wanda…
WANDA
All I have to do is hide Aunt Muriel’s Norrell
Fountain of Youth cream. You know, I could get some library paste from the
supply room at the office, she’d never notice the difference, and you’ll be
living the high life in our spare room in no time, Ralph! Central air! And a
place to hang your own toothbrush...if you DO use one that is.
RALPH
(Ignores her )
Wanda, Jerry’s writing…The House on the Hill is about the house that mother and I lived in,
and it’s about…me.
WANDA
That’s great, Ralph. When they make a movie outta
it, maybe you can get my ticket for half price. And maybe Aunt Muriel, if she’s
still kicking, which she will most likely be. May we can put her on a cot in
the mud room…
RALPH
It’s not great. Somehow Jerry found out some things
about me…things I did and said, used to say used them in his writing. I just
don’t understand. Has he been talking to my mother? Why would she talk to
him…and not me?
WANDA
Maybe it’s like on TV. What they say at the end of Barnaby Jones. “Any
similarities to any person living or dead are purely coincidental” That’s
Aunt Muriel’s favorite part. She hates Barnaby
Jones. And that Lee Merewether…she was better on Batman…
(pokes thru
paperwork on table)
RALPH
I
have no idea what any of that means, Wanda.
(stands)
All
I know is that Jerry knows a lot more about me than I thought he knows…I think.
And now everyone who reads this writing thing will think they know about me and
my mother and…other stuff...and think other stuff, and…
WANDA
(Goes to
Ralph)
What
other stuff?
(Ralph
points towards the table)
These
Titanic playing cards? That’s nothin. I used to be afraid of that Advent
calendar at Christmas time, Ralphie. I thought all those little people were
trapped in those little windows all year long, and could only get out at
Christmas time.
RALPH
That’s not it….
WANDA
So one summer, I snuck into the hall closet with
the pinking shears, took out the Advent calendar and pinking sheared off all
the windows…Aunt Muriel was not too happy about that…
RALPH
(Goes to trash, pulls out papers)
Here Wanda, look!
(He puts the notes he found before in Wanda’s face)
WANDA
Wha…?
(Reads)
Who’s Mortimer? This is about you? You’re Mortimer?
You said these things? You did all this?
(She eyes him)
What was
wrong with the boy at the bottom of the hill?
I once knew a boy, who chased squirrels, right into the street. Is that
what that boy at the bottom of the hill did?
RALPH
No more questions! How could Jerry…does he hear me
talking my sleep? I never realized I was so loud. Mother never heard me unless
she was right in my room…
WANDA
You got that condition too? Aunt Muriel’s got it
really bad. Sometimes she talks in her sleep so loud I can hear in the next
room, so I gotta turn up Barnaby
Jones on the TV to just drown her out. Lee Meriwether at high volume is not
nice. The wacky stuff Aunt Muriel’s says in her sleep, Ralphie, you could write…
(Realizes
RALPH
(Realizes)
A….
RALPH
AND WANDA
Book!
WANDA
Or a writing thing, if you didn’t
how…
(Picks up book)
“Writing for Beginners!”
RALPH
Jerry has been listening to what I say in my sleep
at night. , and putting it in his manuscript. He must sit by the couch all
night, watching me, waiting for me to say something. No wonder his wristwatch
was on the floor by the couch this morning. He was sitting there all night!
WANDA
I bet he sure likes your air
conditioner too.
RALPH
(Begins to clear his head)
He lied to me. He said the garbage is picked up at
3:45 AM! And the Goldfarb’s fight til
long after Johnny Carson is over! I haven’t seen the Goldfarb’s all week!
(Goes to railing and looks out)
And the garbage hasn’t even been picked up yet! Is
that your Aunt Muriel’s car? You got a good parking space. Right in the shade.
WANDA
I kept the top down, so the seats don’t get too
hot. If ya see any pigeons, let me know.
(Goes back to table)
Jerry’s not a very good writer, if he can’t make up
his own stuff.
(Rustles through papers on desk)
RALPH
He is going to win the writing contest, and everyone
will know…everything about me! Mother is
going to think that I told Jerry everything about-
(collapses in chair)
I never should have left home. Left mother! My
house on the hill! I wanna go home!
WANDA
Hey, I got a question...how do you know he is gonna
win the contest with that?
RALPH
What do you mean? You don’t think my life is
interesting? That it wouldn’t make a good story?
WANDA
No, Ralphie, I said how do you know HE is gonna win
the contest with that story.
(Pulls sheaf of papers from the desk)
THIS story!
RALPH
The House on the Hill by
Jerry Andrews! That’s the extra carbon copy!
WANDA
Not for long!
(She takes cover page off, and replaces it with a blank sheet)
Now it’s the original of MY House on the Hill by Ralphie Hollister! I didn’t get all A’s in
penmanship fer nothing. Aunt Muriel
was so proud…
(Writing neatly on cover page)
Now all we gotta do is get this to the writing contest people before he
gets there and we’ll have it made!
RALPH
It’ll never work.
(Wobbles)
Oooh this heat, I don’t feel too good, Wanda. Too
much orange juice, and this heat, and this stress…Wanda, I need to go inside
with what left of my conditioned air…
He goes in)
WANDA
Never say never, Ralphie…
(Finishes hand lettering cover)
Tada! Not too bad, if I say so myself. Now we seal the
envelope…nice and tight...and right into the front seat a Aunt Muriel’s car. Perfect!
(Looks thru papers)
Now where would the address be? Where is he gonna
take this to?
(Pulls out card)
Here we are! You stay here, Ralphie, and I’ll be
back in no time.
(She finishes drinking
pitcher of water, picks up car keys from table jingles then, and drops them and
the card, bending them over to pick them up)
Ooof!
(Stands and reads, mumbles name on card)
555
East 34th Street New York.
(She writes
the address on her palm)
I
could be there in no time!
JERRY
(Entering)
Be where in no time?
WANDA
(Hiding card)
Huh?
JERRY
Where’s Ralph?
WANDA
He went into the living room to
lie down a bit. He wasn’t feeling too good.
JERRY
With this heat and that orange
juice…I’ll bet he isn’t feeling so well.
WANDA
What are you doing here? I thought
you had a writing thing to deliver!
(Stuffs carbon copy into her purse)
JERRY
I forgot the address of where I was going to. It’s
on a card somewhere on the table. It’s pretty important, so if you would excuse
me.
(Tries to get around Wanda).
Could you get out of the way, please?
WANDA
(Getting angry)
You know, Ralphie is my friend, my only friend. How
could you do this to him?
JERRY
Do what?
WANDA
Maybe this is the card you’re looking for!
(She takes and rips it up and tosses it over the balcony)
And how about this?
(Tosses purse over the railing)
You’ll never get my purse now!
JERRY
Hey!
(Tries to catch pieces of paper)
You’re crazy, you know that! You’re just as crazy
as that guy in there!
WANDA
What’s crazy is what you did! Spied on poor
Ralphie, listened to him when he was talkin in his sleep. Then writing it all
down and making money out of it!!! That’s crazy. But you ain’t gonna win at
this, strange guy.
(Heads to door)
Nobody
messes with Wanda Grisby OR her friends…or friend, cause I only have one…Ralphie.
Have a nice day!
(She goes out)
JERRY
(Starts after her)
Hey, wait. You got his all…Wanda! Whats the use…
(Bends over to pick up pieces of address)
The address is everywhere!
(The power comes back on and the table fan comes alive, blowing his copy
off the balcony. He tries to stop then, but gives up. My writing!
(He rustles thru papers on table looking for copy)
Where is that carbon copy?
RALPH
(Entering, Jerry turns off fan)
Wanda? Whats going on? Oh Jerry, you’re back. Where’s
Wanda? Back to listen in on me some more, Jerry? Didn’t get enough secrets
outta me? Need more to write about?
(Pulls notes from trash)
Want me to sleep some more? I’ll bet you put
sleeping pills in that orange juice! You knew I was going to drink it! I’ve
been drugged! I feel so sleepy…woozy…
JERRY
Drugged? What are you talking about?
(Sees notes in Ralphs hands)
Ralph, you have to listen to me, there’s been a
mistake! Whatever you’ve been thinking, well, don’t think it. I can explain
everything. Now, have you seen the copy of my manuscript? A white envelope?
RALPH
(Looking over balcony)
You mean the envelope that Wanda’s waving in her
hand from her car?
(We hear a car start)
Bye Wanda! Good luck!
(The car speeds away)
JERRY
Wanda! Wait!
(Going to the railing)
My manuscript! No!
(He sits and puts his head in his hands)
Oh no, I’m ruined, Ralph. If only I could’ve
explained. Why did you do this? Let this happen?
RALPH
(turns)
You listened in on me when I was talking in my
sleep, Jerry. You stole my family secrets and put them in your writing. 1000
dollars worth of secrets!
JERRY
What? No I didn’t. Ralph, your secrets, well,
they’re trash. That’s why they’re in the trash. I didn’t want them, didn’t need
them.
RALPH
But “The
House on the Hill” is about my family, and my mother and me and all the
terrible…
JERRY
“The
House the Hill” is about the HOUSE on the
hill And the HILL itself, not the people inside the house. It’s about the
history of the house, and its place in the history of the Underground Railroad.
What’s underneath the house…
RALPH
Huh? The tunnels and secret passages? You wrote
about them. They’re not real! I never saw them! How did you know about them?
JERRY
(Gets up)
Remember the boy who lived at the bottom of your
hill? The boy who played the bottle of catsup in the red ski mask?
RALPH
Yea…
JERRY
That was me!
RALPH
I thought you looked familiar. Even without the red
ski mask. What a small world!
JERRY
When you answered my ad, everything about the
tunnels came back to me. I crawled through all passages when I was a kid. They
ran under your house, and around the hill. I spent hours exploring them.
RALPH
I never knew. I was too afraid to go in them!
Mother told me about them, stores from her family from a long time ago, but I
never believed her. She told me to never
talk about them to anyone.
JERRY
Then one day, your mother caught me in one of them.
She told me never to go in them again. Told me never to talk about them. I never forgot about them, though. Always
wondered.
RALPH
And now, years later, wrote about them…that’s kind
of spooky.
JERRY
You talked about those passages and tunnels in your
sleep. All the stories your mother told you. You filled in all the blanks for
me, Ralph. I had a great piece for the
Historical Society. I was sure to win that prize of 1000 dollars. I really need
the money. I owe everybody in Brooklyn! Never play cards for money, Ralph,
believe me. I’d have better luck with those..Titanic cards!
RALPH
You need money? Jerry, you could have just asked
me! I would have given it to you! I’ve…known you for so long!
JERRY
You would?
(relieved)
That’d be great, old friend!
RALPH
And if I win the 1000 dollars from writing “The House on the Hill”, you won’t have
to pay me back!
JERRY
What are you talking about?
You win? Go inside and turn on your air conditioner. Take a nap. Don’t worry
about the electricity.
RALPH
During this electrical crisis? And get fined? I can’t take a
nap during the day, and then I won’t sleep at night.
JERRY
Read your book.
RALPH
I loaned it to Wanda-Wanda! I’ll explain everything to her
when she gets back from….uh, wherever she went. Then we’ll find something to do
for the rest of the day.
JERRY
Go to the movies. Bargain matinees?
RALPH
Too many little kids. They won’t let us bring outside food
in. Wanda hates the sticky floors.
JERRY
Go to Gimbels.
RALPH
Wanda’s not allowed in there anymore.
(Heads
inside)
Her Aunt Muriel said so.
JERRY
(follows)
Go to the gym. Go to the museum…
RALPH (off)
And sweat? I’d rather sit here! Plus I ran out of free passes.
How much money do you want to borrow?
JERRY (off)
Well, there’s the money for the car, and I owe Mrs. Goldfarb
part of the rent, and there’s the man at the deli…
RALPH (off)
Remember, I paid you my share of the rent! I don’t want Mrs.
Goldfarb going after me… I hear she fights a lot…see, Wanda thought you were going to take what you wrote and…let
me turn on the air conditioner, it’s just too hot for someone with my condition…
(The power air
conditioner roars back to life as the play ends)
CURTAIN