TROUT DAY

BY JOHNNY CULVER

Characters

Mrs. Gunning -

Betty Butler –

Mrs. Whoop –

Winifred Teasdoodle/ Stormy Weather -

Mollie Curran -

Iris Arena Riggolio -

Zelda Ann Riggolio -

Mortimer Riggolio -

Mr. Whoop -

Bill Butler -

Grandpa Arena –

Karen Henkel

Linka from Bulgaria –

Rhonda the Duck –

Chester -

 

The play takes place in and around Piney Fork Ohio, on the first day of school in the mid seventies.


Prologue

(A dim stage. Through the darkness, we hear…)

 

TELEVISION

Barnabas Collins…are you a vampire? (CLICK)

Ladies, for five points, what is your husband’s favorite utensil? (CLICK)

Frankly, I’m constipated! (CLICK)

 

The lights some up on the Riggolio kitchen. Zelda Riggolio is hugging the portable television on the counter, changing the channels.

 

TELEVISION

Anne Marie, pack your bags, I’m taking you back to Brewster! (CLICK)

Well, good morning Mr. Green Jeans…

 

ZELDA

(relieved)

Finally…

 

IRIS

(Offstage)

Zelda, I can hear that from the laundry room! You had better be working on your alphabet up there and not watching television.

 

ZELDA

(Replies loudly)

I am…ABC, CBS, NBC…

 

IRIS

(Offstage)

You grandfather may be blind as a bat, but he sure can sniff out a load of dirty laundry!

 

ZELDA

(Mumbling loudly)

Maybe if ya did it more than once a month…

 

IRIS

(offstage)

What did you say?

 

ZELDA

Nothing…that was the…, uh, TV…

 

IRIS

(Offstage)

That’s it! When I get these clothes out of the dryer and get upstairs, we are going to have a little talk. I don’t need this on the first day of school.

 

ZELDA

Busted…

(There is a knock at the kitchen door)

I’ll get it!

 

(She opens the door and CHESTER enters with GRANDPA ARENA, carrying a white cane)

 

Ugh, hello Chester

CHESTER

Hi Zelda, look who I found wandering around in your front yard. I think he is abandoned. Can I keep him?

 

ZELDA

Chester Arthur, that is my grandpa! You cannot keep him. I don’t care if you are president of the United States, stay out of our front yard.

 

CHESTER

(lovingly)

Can I at least walk ya to school, Zelda? I’ll hold your hand when we cross the street.

 

ZELDA

Go away, Chester!

(pushes Chester outdoor)

 

Grandpa! Well, Com’on in!

 

GRANDPA ARENA

I was in the back yard, not the front yard…

 

ZELDA

I know, Grandpa. Chester isn’t too smart. He can’t even tell his left hand from his right.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Hey, Little Z, shouldn’t you be getting ready for school instead of…

(Sniffs and whispers)

…watching the television?

 

ZELDA

(Gasps)

But how can you -?

 

GRANDPA ARENA

I can smell the hot tubes in the television. I used to fix televisions, way back when. Fixed radios, too. Your mother used to help me in the shop. Course, all she did was listen to the radio and…

(Finds TV with his hand and feels the top)

Aha! Warm! I still got that magic touch!

 

ZELDA

(Leading Grandpa Arena to a chair)

Sit a spell. How was your trip? How was-

(Stops)

How did you get here?

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Hitched, Little Z., all the way from the other side of Piney Fork. The outskirts. Across town. A duck picked me up. The same duck I tripped over in your yard.

 

RHONDA

(Off)

Quack.

 

ZELDA

Hitched, huh? How did you know when the cars stopped for you?

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Brake fluid. When it’s pressed against the axle, it makes a unique smell. Like roast duck. I used to fix brakes, way back then.

 

IRIS

(Appears with a basket of laundry)

Dad, don’t lie to her. She has enough in her head without your help. Z, get your things out of this basket and take them upstairs. Let Grandpa rest a bit.  Sorry about that duck, Dad, one of these days, we’re going to have a nice roast duck for Christmas dinner.

 

RHONDA

(Off)

Quack.

 

ZELDA

(Picking clothes from laundry)

A duck, I don’t know about that. Never saw that on the TV…

(Exits)

 

IRIS

I’ve been trying to keep Zelda away from that television all summer. I even painted over the numbers on the channel knob. Nothing works. Can I make you some coffee?

 

GRANDPA ARENA

I wanted to see my little granddaughter on her first day in the second grade.  Walk her to school. And, I’ll pass on that instant swill you call coffee.  Save it for the astronauts.  I know how you cook, Iris. You burn sandwiches! How about a cold Rolling Rock beer for your sightless old father? It’s after seven AM…

 

IRIS

Barely after seven AM. All we have is Meisterbrau. I’ll get it for you as soon as I put this laundry away. It’s laundry day.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

It’s been a month already?

(stands)

I can get it. Just point me in the right direction. And Iris, it still smells like cigarettes in here.  If you’re going to sneak a butt, open a window. I used to smoke, way back when. At least spray the Lysol. Tsk, Tsk. My daughter, secretly smoking while the family is out of the house.  The smoke may get rid of some of these fruit flies, too.

(Rubs knee)

And when are you going to bring that folding table and chairs inside, out of the rain. I banged right into it. Folding tables and chairs don’t grow on trees you know.

 

IRIS

I will get the beer, Dad. I keep it in the icebox in the room over the garage. Hidden away from my husband.

(Pushes him back in his seat)

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Ahhhhh, Marty Riggolio, the great intellect of Piney Fork, Ohio. Is he still using S and H green stamps as postage?

 

IRIS

Dad, that’s not funny. His name is Mort. The postman caught those letters and brought them back. I told him that Zelda did it. Now you mind your tongue when Mort is around.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

And how will I know he is around? The sound and smell of those little wheels turning and burning in his head?

 

IRIS

Dad, really!

(Iris exits. Grandpa feels around the kitchen table)

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Maybe I’ll have a nice fresh banana with my beer. A banana a day keeps Mortimer away!

(Finds banana in fruit bowl)

Rotten! No wonder there are all those fruit flies. She must clean the house once a month,, too!

(Feels further on table)

Sticky! My kitchen table is cleaner than this and I can’t see the dirt! Can’t have sticky hands on Trout Day.

(Rises and goes to sink)

Those trout like nice clean hands…yes they do. And these fruit flies love sticky paper towels. I’ll just wipe my hands and the flies will follow the paper towel tight out of here into the trash. Heh heh, no fruit fly is gonna outsmart Grandpa Arena.

(Searches for paper towels)

 

MORT

(Entering, speaks loudly)

Hello Father Arena! How are you on this wonderful trout day?

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Ahhhhh, Mortimer! My favorite son in law.

(Reaches for paper towel, but finds Mort’s shirt instead, wiping his hands dry on the shirt)

I hope you like fruit flies, Mortimer. Happy Trout Day!

 

MORT

Happy Trout Day, to you, Father Arena.

(Hugs Grandpa)

 

GRANDPA ARENA

What I wouldn’t give for a banana right now.

 

End of Prologue


Scene One – Outside Room Two of the Piney Fork Elementary School. It is a fall morning in the early Seventies.

 

Winifred Teasdoodle stands at the door. She is a tall timid type in a worn dress and a faded brown sweater. She is fumbling with a cigarette. Mrs.Gunning, a frightening prune of a woman approaches her.

 

GUNNING

Go on in, Winifred, they won’t bite.  At least not until their fangs grow in.

 

WINIFRED

(Drops cigarette)

Oh Miss Gunning, it’s been so long since I-

 

GUNNING

No, Winifred, I told you that you can call me Hortense; I’m not YOUR elementary school principal. That was 40 years ago! I still remember you on your first day of the second grade! My first day as principal here at Piney Fork Elementary School. You and your best friend, Iris Arena, walking through those front doors. And it’s Mrs. Gunning now!

 

WINIFRED

Iris Arena? I haven’t thought of her in…I can’t believe all this is happening. I am going to be teaching second grade in the same classroom that I attended…as a second grader. Taking over for my own second grade teacher. I never expected it…and I’m so sorry to hear that Miss Knox passed on. We all liked her very much. Forty years of students!

 

GUNNING

Yes, we all miss Stella Knox very much, she was an excellent second grade teacher…the best in all of Ohio…the good lord rest her soul.  We’re planting a tree in her memory in the school yard, over by the Gulf station. Near the air hose.  So all her former students who pull in to fill up their tires with hot air can see the tree, and remember her. And I‘m so glad you were available at such short notice. We never expected Stella to pass away that suddenly.

 

WINIFRED

(Putting cigarette back in pack)

I haven’t been in a classroom in so long…taking care of my parents and all, I haven’t been back to Piney Fork in 20 years…you never told me how Mrs. Knox died….if I can ask.

 

GUNNING

Keeled right over…bowling…ladies night at the Piney Fork Lanes! She was one frame away from a perfect score. Poor thing, her ankles were so swollen; she was buried in her rented bowling shoes. She didn’t get her deposit back on the shoes.

 

WINIFRED

About the students in my class…you said over the telephone they all flunked the second grade. How is that possible?

 

GUNNING

Well, none of the students actually failed the second grade. You see, the report cards and grade promotions were complete and in a box by the side of my desk last spring ready to be mailed out. On the last day of school. I had left early to have a little oral surgery done…

(Opens mouth wide)

…see? Used to be a cyst there...big as a tennis ball…

 

WINIFRED

Why, I never knew. We always thought you had a little chewing gum in your mouth.

 

GUNNING

The Piney Fork School District has an excellent dental plan…something to consider, if you decide to stay…I see you could use a visit to the dentist.

 

WINIFRED

I’ll keep it in mind.

 

GUNNING

Well, while I was at the dentist, my good for nothing ex-husband, Mr. Horace Gunning, while he was cleaning my office, thought the box of the report cards and grade promotions was trash and proceeded to take them down to the incinerator and burn them! Imagine that!

 

WINIFRED

Oh no! Didn’t the parents complain? Didn’t they wonder where the report cards where?

 

GUNNING

Complain? Not a bit. The parents are so glad to have those little monsters out of the house. I just called each parent on the telephone and praised their child to no end. Took no time at all.

 

WINIFRED

What about the first graders moving into the second grade?

 

GUNNING

We had one first grader last year, and he actually flunked…poor thing. Little Chester Arthur. If he had only learned to tell his left hand from his right, you’d have an even dozen in your class!

(thinks)

I wonder if he is any relation to that other Chester Arthur. Now HE was a looker! Ahhh, Chester…with that handlebar moustache….

 

WINIFRED

I wouldn’t mind another student…

 

GUNNING

(snaps out of it)

Since we have no new first graders this year, I’ll put a little desk down in the basement, not too close to the furnace…Chester can sit with Horace…maybe they’ll learn a thing or two from each other! I’ll check in on him from time to time.

(There is a crash of trash cans)

Horace! That simpleton is trying to make up for slacking off over the summer by cleaning like a madman. I know for a fact Horace did not clean your Room Two. He only went in there once a week to hide his empty beer cans.  I’ve got a clove pomander in my office if you need it. Remind me to never again marry a second cousin. All we have in common is the same last name!

 

WINIFRED

Thanks, I don’t think I’ll be…

 

GUNNING

Good luck, Winifred. And if you need anything, just flick the switch on the wall to talk to me on the intercom. I’ll be here in a jiffy! And no smoking in front of the children, they may get the wrong impression. Imagine one of them lights a cigarette over at the Gulf station, drops the match and blows the entire town to bits! We’d get quite an earful on Parent Teacher day.

(There is a crash of trash cans)

I’ve got to go… Horace Gunning! You louse…he wants to be first in line for Trout Day, no doubt. Every year the same thing…Trout Day, what a nuisance…

(She barrels off, yelling)

…Stop that, Horace, or else, I’ll have the bus driver pass right by your stop tomorrow…and I will not give you a ride, either…stop that!

 

WINIFRED

This is going to be some Trout Day, whatever that it…

End of Scene One


Scene Two – The kitchen of Mortimer and Iris Riggolio. It is the same fall.

 

Iris sits at the kitchen table across from her Zelda.

 

IRIS

All right, Zelda. No fooling around, just answer the question. It’s almost time to go to school. And take off that silly hat. You can be Grandma Walton all you want here at home, but not at school.

 

ZELDA

I’m a poor homemaker from the hills of Virginia, and I enjoy beekeeping and canning peaches. My most embarrassing moment? It would have to be when Old man Billy Bob stole a kiss from mat at the hoe down…-

 

IRIS

(Slapping the table)

Enough! Your grandfather will be back from the market any minute to walk you to school. Just answer the damned question…what is a percentage?

 

ZELDA

Ninety nine and three quarters percent pure? Half human, half Vulcan…

(The doorbell rings)

Oh not Chester, again…

 

IRIS

He’s not tall enough to reach the bell, Zelda.

 

ZELDA

Then, I’ll get it!

(She jumps from her chair and goes to the door)

 

IRIS

Zelda Ann Riggolio, get away from the door. Who could that be? This early in the…

(Zelda opens the door and Mrs. Whoop, the Riggolio’s hefty neighbor enters, carrying a large box)

Oh…morning…hello Mrs. Whoop...

 

ZELDA

(Running back to the table)

I didn’t do it! Whatever is it, I didn’t do it!

(Picks up cards from the table)

 

IRIS

Will you settle down? What can I do for you, Mrs. Whoop?

 

WHOOP

No Rhonda, you stay outside. You have not been invited in. Remember your manners. Don’t you learn anything from Romper Room?

 

RHONDA

(Off)

Quack.

 

WHOOP

(To Iris)

Hello Iris. Do you have anything to donate to the church bazaar?

(Swats flies)

Iris, you really need to get some flypaper for your kitchen. It’s like a barn in here!

 

ZELDA

Mooooo.

 

WHOOP

No unwanted bric a brac, no scratched record albums, no cracked crockery?

 

IRIS

Well, I do have…one little red haired girl, slightly tattered, but runs well…at the mouth. Spends all afternoon watching reruns of The Stormy Weather Show on TV.

 

ZELDA

(Drops cards to floor)

I heard that! I have half a percentage of a mind to-

 

IRIS

No cheating, Zelda!  Put those flash cards down!

 

WHOOP

Are you sure? Nothing to donate? Maybe some old clothes? I’ll pass on that rusty old folding table and chairs by your garage.  They belong in the dump. Why I remember when your father bought them. That big Montgomery Ward’s truck…

(Zelda crawls under table to pick up cards)

 

IRIS

Well, I think we could part with some of Mort’s old shirts…give me a minute.

(Exits to laundry room)

 

WHOOP

Take your time, Iris, take your time…

(Assuming she is alone, Mrs. Whoop begins to snoop through the kitchen cabinets.)

…hmmm…

(Opens refrigerator)

Well, what have we here…Buttermilk? Too rich for me…but a little taste wouldn’t hurt…

(She starts to drink from bottle)

“Ummm…Mummamilk.

(Buttermilk drips from her chin onto her dress)

 

ZELDA

(Comes out from under table)

Mrs. Whoop! We do not drink directly from the bottle in this house!

(Mrs. Whoop quickly returns milk to icebox)

 

IRIS

(Enters with an old shirt)

Mort will never miss this old shirt. Zelda, go get your father and tell him it’s time to take you to school. You don’t want to be late on your first day back.

 

ZELDA

Yes I do.

 

IRIS

Go!

(Zelda runs out)

I have been waiting for this day all summer long. Finally some peace and quiet.

 

WHOOP

Well, I had better be going. The church bazaar can’t wait!

(She heads to door)

Thank you, Iris.

 

IRIS

(Stops her)

Wait! Don’t go! I mean, it’s been so long since I’ve had a conversation…with a real adult. Sit a while.

 

MRS WHOOP

(Looking for gossip)

What about your husband, Mortimer…you two aren’t having…problems? Tell me all about it. Is he seeing…another woman? A workplace affair?

(Sits)

 

IRIS

Nothing like that. All Mortimer ever wants to talk about is his new job. At the water treatment plant. He’s in charge of the break room. That’s all I hear about. The coffee machine that never works, someone always leaving a spoon in the Cremora, the bulletin board by the sink, where he puts up Beetle Bailey comics.  I swear he cares more about that break room than he does me.

 

MRS WHOOP

(Changing the subject)

Well, speaking of water, last week, on the way home from the foot doctor, Wilfred and I stopped to take a look at the new housing development out on Route 800. There’s not much to look at, but there is a model home.

 

IRIS

(Sits, not interested)

Really…a model home…

 

MRS WHOOP

…and Iris, in this model home, the kitchen had a built-in dishwasher next to the sink, which, by the way, had two basins, a garbage disposal,  and a spray nozzle. Not that I would ever use the spray nozzle, but if I did have one on my kitchen sink, my Rhonda would appreciate it during her weekly bath. She does love to be clean, and, Iris, you know how dirty a duck can get, crawling around your untrimmed hedges-

 

RHONDA (off)

Quack.

 

MRS WHOOP

Not that we would ever think of moving into a model home with a spray nozzle. Wilfred and I are not concerned with such luxuries.

(Takes a deep breath)

You know how they do those model homes. All the luxuries you could dream of. You could even turn on the light over the garage door...from the kitchen!

 

IRIS

I like things just the way they are.

 

ZELDA (off)

Stormy! “Sing Little Brown Jug!

 

MRS WHOOP

And the floor wasn’t regular hardwood; it was…little squares of wood…bouquet…croquet?

 

IRIS

(Correcting her)

Parquet?

 

ZELDA (off)

Butter!

 

IRIS

Mind your business in there, Zelda, and turn off the television…that silly Stormy Weather... I watched her when I was little…

(Calls outsides)

Mort? Mortimer? Will you get in here?

 

MRS WHOOP

What a smart girl, that Zelda is.  How is she doing in school? I remember my first day in the second grade. So eager and ready to learn. And Miss Gunning was waiting in the schoolyard, arms open wide.

 

IRIS

(Starts to stand)

She’ll do just fine. Which reminds me? I have to make a telephone call. Call Miss, er, Mrs. Gunning. I don’t think we ever received Zelda’s report card from last spring…I hope you don’t mind…

 

MRS WHOOP

(Standing)

Not at all, I’ve such a busy day planned. With the church bazaar, you know. And it is Trout Day! AND mopping day at the Whoop house!

 

IRIS\

(Shakes her head)

Trout day, oh no…just what I need…

 

MRS WHOOP

(Holds out shirt and shakes her head)

I think the church will pass on this shirt, Iris. Didn’t anyone ever teach you to separate your whites and colors? Why don’t you make some of that tasty cooked chicken like you made last year…what was it called?  Make and Bake, Quake and Fake…

 

IRIS

Shake and Bake…

 

ZELDA (off)

(At the top of her lungs)

And I helped!!

 

IRIS

That’s it! Goodbye Mrs. Whoop.

(She opens the door)

Have a good day. Enjoy your mopping.

 

MRS WHOOP

Save us all a little time and trouble this year, Iris, just make a cash donation.

 

IRIS

Goodbye Mrs. Whoop.

(Mrs. Whoop leaves, just as Mortimer enters through the same door.)

Mortimer, take that little girl…of yours… to school, and get yourself to work. You’re both going to be late. And you have to take that old folding table and chairs to the dump this afternoon.

 

MORT

Ok, but I’m not going to work today. It’s Trout Day.

(Wall telephone rings)

I’ll get it.

(Answers phone)

Hello…well, hello Chet…what? Marmaduke? From the funny pages?

 

IRIS

Who is it?

MORT

It’s Chet, my assistant break room manager at the water treatment plant…there’s trouble…

 

MRS WHOOP (off)

It’s Mopping Day! Every room, every floor!

 

MORT

(Into phone)

What if I was in the break room and choking on one of those liverwurst sandwiches from the vending machine and I died because the fourth panel of the CPR’s instructions was partially obstructed by that Marmadukes cartoon on the bulletin board.

 

IRIS

Hang up the phone, Mortimer. Take that girl to school.

 

MORT

(Into phone)

I don't think anyone would be laughing then, Chet.

 

MRS WHOOP (off)

Wilfred Whoop. Don’t cut the lawn now! Get out the garden hose. We’ll start with the front porch! I’ll mop, you rinse!

 

IRIS

(Calling off)

Zelda turn off that television and get in here now!

 

MORT

I take one day off for Trout Day and the break room bulletin board gets rearranged with Marmadukes!

 

ZELDA

(enters)

I don’t need a ride to school.

 

IRIS

You are going to school, young lady, if I have to carry you there myself. Mort…get off the phone!

 

MORT

(Into phone)

And keep an open eye, Chet. Maybe you can discover who leaves the spoon in the Cremora!

 

ZELDA

I am going to…hitch a ride to school. Like a “loose chick” on The Mod Squads.

 

IRIS

What did you say? That’s it…

(He yanks Zelda by the hand, with her other hand, takes the phone from Mort.)

Trout Day or not, Chet, Mortimer will be there very soon. Goodbye!

 

ZELDA

What if Chester is out there? He gets awful jealous.

 

IRIS

(Slams down receiver,, gives Zelda’s hand to Mortimer and pushes them through the open door.)

Get out!

 

MR WHOOP (off)

Wilhelmina Whoop! I cut the lawn every week on Tuesday afternoon!

(A lawn mower roars to life)

 

MRS WHOOP (off)

Wallace Whoop! We don’t walk barefoot on the lawn. We walk barefoot on these linoleum floors!

 

MR WHOOP (off)

Then we rake the clippings!

 

MRS WHOOP (off)

No grass cutting!

 

MR WHOOP (off)

No mopping!

(The mower goes off)

 

MRS WHOOP (off)

“NO!”

 

MR WHOOP (off)

“NO!”

 

IRIS

(At wits end)

Will you two shut the hell up?

 

RHONDA (off)

Quack.

 

IRIS

And you too, you …quacker!

(She slams the back door and spies Zelda’s lunch on the table)

Zelda forgot her lunch? Some Trout Day this is going to be!

 

END OF SCENE TWO


Scene Three – The studio of WPIN, Piney Forks local radio station. Bargain Bill Butler sits at the mike. It is a few minutes later.

 

BETTY BUTLER

I’m your announcer, Betty Butler. This is WPIN 1640AM the voice of Piney Fork Ohio. It’s eight AM and that means that it’s time for Bargain Bill Butler and his all-new Classifieds. Now, Here’s Bargain Bill!

 

BILL

Welcome listeners to a very special Bargain Bill Butler and his all-new Classifieds! I’m Bargain Bill Butler and this morning we are going to be bringing you live coverage of Trout Day! We’ll be…down at the IGA parking lot, right next to the Gulf station at ten to cover all the action…it looks like we have a call already! You’re on the air!

 

WOMAN CALLER (IRIS)

Hello…

 

BILL

Hello, you’re on the air! This is Bargain Bill Butler and his all-new Classifieds!  Happy Trout Day!

 

WOMAN CALLER

Hello…I’d like to sell a folding card table and the four chairs that go with it. Fifteen dollars.

 

BILL

Sorry, this is Trout Day and we’re only taking calls about Trout Day.

 

WOMAN CALLER

Then…I’d like to sell a folding table that you can put trout on and four chairs that that you can sit in and watch the trout. Fifteen dollars.

 

BILL

Only about Trout Day

 

WOMAN CALLER

Ok…I’d like to sell a special Trout Day folding table designed just for Trout Day and four chairs once used by the founder of Trout Day. Fifteen dollars.

 

BILL

The founder of Trout Day? Sold! I’ll take it! Take over, Betty. Listeners, you know me and local history. If it has anything to do with Trout Day, Bargain Bill’s gotta have it. Take over, Betty.

 

BETTY BUTLER

Bill, I…I have to get home and get little Harley off to his school…if he misses that little bus. What’s the good of paying all that money for a special education if he can’t get to his special school?

 

BILL

Forget little Harley, Betty, a little walking will do him good. Trout Day comes along once a year. And a trout day folding table comes along once in a lifetime!

 

BETTY BUTLER

(going to mike)

Bill, you don’t even know the address. Where to go.

 

WOMAN CALLER

100 Center Street.

 

BILL

Wait til the guys at the IGA parking lot see this! A Trout Day folding table and chair set!

(He rushes out)

 

BETTY BUTLER

100 Center Street…who is this, Iris, is that you? Still trying to get rid of that piece of junk? That old table and chair set? Why that’s the eyesore of Center Street. But you didn’t have to fib about it being owned by the founder of Trout Day.

 

IRIS

Who’s fibbing? Guilty as charged, Betty. I’m just trying to get of some old junk.

 

BETTY BUTLER

That’s what this program is all about, selling old junk. If it is old, push it out the door and buy something new. That’s why God invented the Montgomery Ward’s catalog! But you didn’t have to fib about it

 

IRIS

Betty, can I tell you something. A little secret I have? A wish?

 

BETTY BUTLER

God right ahead, Iris, no one listens to this silly program anyway. I sometimes call Bill myself and disguise my voice, just to make him think people are listening.

 

IRIS

I wish I could…push…Trout Day out the door! Make it disappear …forever!

 

BETTY BUTLER

Iris! I totally agree with you, it’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard of…in my entire life. Only here in Piney Fork, Ohio, do we celebrate-

 

IRIS

…are forced to celebrate…

 

BETTY BUTLER

Yes, …forced to celebrate…such a needless thing…and on the first day of school at that! Why, I remember a few years ago, it was the first day of school, and it was raining something awful. Little Harley couldn’t walk to school in the rain, but Bill refused to drive him. Bill had to rush over to the IGA parking lot and set up umbrellas and tents for the Trout Day participants! Little Harley had to walk all the way to school in the rain.  He was soaked to the skin. His teacher, Stella Knox, she-

 

IRIS

…dead. She’s dead you know.

 

BETTY BUTLER

Good. No loss on my part, Iris. That Stella Knox refused to let him and his wet clothes in her classroom and made him walk back home and change onto dry clothes. By the time he got home it was about lunchtime, and just stopped raining. I put him into dry clothes and sent him back to school, and wouldn’t you know it?

 

IRIS

Don’t tell me…

 

BETTY BUTLER

Halfway back to school, it started to rain again, and by the time Harley got to his classroom, he was soaked through and through. But did Stella Knox care? No, she made him march right back home and put on dry clothes.

 

IRIS

No…

 

BETTY BUTLER

Well, by the time he got home the second time, school was over for the day, and Little Harley had caught a terrible cold!  He didn’t get back to school for three whole weeks.  He never did catch up with the other students. That’s why we send him to a special school now…and all this because of Trout Day!

 

IRIS

That’s terrible. All because of Trout Day. It has to end.

(Phone lines start ringing)

 

BETTY BUTLER

Why, the lines are ringing off the hook. I haven’t seen them light up this much, since Bill announced he was going on a two week vacation toToledo! Those were some happy well wishers. Hold on Iris. Hello, you’re on the air!

 

WOMAN CALLER

Hello, this is Mollie Curran down at the IGA.  Toledo ends in the letter O

 

BETTY BUTLER

Ah, yes, Mollie Curran, who loves words that end on the letter O. How’s the meat department. Got any. roast…buffalo?

 

WOMAN CALLER

I work in the produce department. We have some lovely tangelos on sale, big ripe tomatos, fresh Idaho potatoes…

 

BETTY BUTLER

Mollie, we’re only talking about Trout Day today.

 

WOMAN CALLER

And so am I! These men out on the parking lot are taking up all the parking spaces and scaring away my customers! I have all these vegetables and fruits that end in the letter O and no one can get to the m! And what about the Oreos, and the Jello, and cream cheese spread with pimento. Make Trout Day stop…well; I’ve got to go, and practice my piccolo…solo…

(Click)

 

BETTY BUTLER

(mutters loudly)

Whatta …wacko….dodo…bozo…I’ve got to take these calls, Iris. You go out and get that rusty table and chairs ready for Bill. I’m on a mission!

 

IRIS

I have to head over to the school. Zelda forgot her lunch. And I need to have a word with Mrs. Gunning. Good luck, Betty! Goodbye.

(click)

 

BETTY BUTLER

Goodbye, Iris, and goodbye Trout Day! Hello, you’re on the air!

 

END OF SCENE THREE


Scene Four–Room Two of the Piney Fork Elementary School. The blinds are down. Children can barely be seen in the shadows.

KAREN

…then, after we buried our kitty in the back yard, Jingles, that’s what his name was, my brother fell off the swings in the park and had to get sewed up with three stitches in his head….wait, or did Jingles get three stitches in his head and we buried my brother-

 

ZELDA

Geez, oh Pete, Karen Henkel, didn’t anything good happen on your summer vacation? Didn’t ya get to watch any new TV shows or checkout the fishes at the Grants store, or go to the kiddie pool in the park? How are we supposed to play the Phil Donahue show if you don’t have nothing good to say?

 

LINKA

For zee summer vacation, Linka and zee father of zee Linka took zee train to swim in zee ocean!

 

ZELDA

Don’t lie to me, Plinka, No train goes to no ocean. There ain’t no oceans in all of Ohio! You probably just went to the kiddie pool in the park, not the ocean. Phil Donahue does not have liars on his program. No parting gifts for you.

 

LINKA

No, I am not doing zee lying! Linka has brought zee souvenir from zee ocean…zee bucket of zee sand and weeds of zee sea!! I have to be on zee Phil Donahue. I told zee father of Linka to watch!

 

ZELDA

Ok ok. If ya put it that way…

(In big announcer voice)

 

Live from Room Two in the Piney Fork Elementary School, it’s the Phil Donahue Show. I’m your announcer, Gramma Walton!

 

KAREN

We’re sorry you’re so old and poor, Gramma Walton. And have to deal with those snotty kids.

 

LINKA

Don’t be depressed, Gramma Walton. Zee war will be over soon. And you can leave zee mountain!

 

(The classroom door opens, and WINIFRED enters, in the dusk)

 

WINIFRED

My, Mrs. Gunning was right; it smells like this room hasn’t been aired out in months. Reeks of beer and cigarettes. Where are the lights?

 

ZELDA

Uh oh…

(Winifred reaches for the light switch and turns them on.  When they come on, we see discover Zelda (wearing a grandmas hat) standing at the blackboard, holding a pull down map of the US, Karen Henkel in the back of the room, stacking up a summers worth of beer cans, and Linka standing in the middle of the room holding a bucket of sand  over her head.)

 

WINIFRED

Children? Children!

(Surprised, Zelda loudly lets the map flip shut, Karen trips and knocks down the pyramid of beer cans and Linka drops the bucket of sand to the floor.)

What is going on here? Young lady, step away from that blackboard.

 

ZELDA

…shows over…

(She runs to her seat)

 

WINIFRED

Get away from those beer cans and sit down.

(Karen runs to her seat. Winifred slowly walks over to Linka and points to the sand on the floor.)

What is the meaning of this?

 

LINKA

It means that Linka did zee going to zee beach? Linka could not visit Phil Donahue without zee gift.

 

WINIFRED

Never mind, you will clean this up later, Take a seat…um…um…

 

KAREN

Plinka!

 

ZELDA

Stinka

 

KAREN

Dinka!

 

ZELDA

Finka!

 

LINKA

(defiant)

Linka!!!

 

WINIFRED

(at the end of her rope)

Sit down all of you. All-

(Notices there are only three students)

-three of you?

(They scuffle to their seats, and Winifred regains her composure

Hello class. I am your new teacher. I am very happy to be here. My name is…

(She turns to the blackboard and wrote her name in large, flowing, cursive writing.)

Winifred Teasdoodle. But you may call me, if you’d like, you may call me –

 

ZELDA

So why don’t we call you Miss Cheesedoodle?

 

WINIFRED

What?

 

ZELDA

We can’t call you Teacher ‘cause we already had a Teacher and she ain’t here no more. Mrs.-

(Pronounce the K)

Knox.

 

WINIFRED

The K is silent, dear. It’s Knox.

 

KAREN

She’s pretty silent, too. She’s dead.

 

LINKA

As zee doornail.

 

ZELDA

So why don’t we call you Miss Cheesedoodle? Or is the C silent? Heesdoodle?

 

KAREN

We could call you Miss Winnie. Like what the horses say to each other!

 

LINKA

In Bulgaria, we do not have zee cheesedoodles. We have zee beetdoodles.

 

KAREN

(Like a horse)

Winnie! Winnie!

 

ZELDA

You’re making that up, Linka.

 

LINKA

No, they are in zee supermarket in zee aisle three, right next to zee…Beet Thins…

 

KAREN

That’s sickening. Winnie! Winnie!

 

WINIFRED

Children, please…

 

ZELDA

(mocking)

And what’s in aisle four, Linka…cereal…Beeties, Beet Bran, Beeti-ios…?

 

LINKA

No, zee cereals are in aisle seven, zee cleaning products are in aisle four.

 

KAREN

I don’t feel so good….too much hay…

(weakly)

Winnie…Winnie…

(She falls back o her seat)

 

ZELDA

Look what you did, Dinka, now we got a sick horse on our hands, We’ll just have to put her down.

 

KAREN

Not the glue factory? No!

(She starts to cry)

 

WINIFRED

Girls! Calm down, please! Why don’t you all just call me…Miss Winnie, as the horse, er, what is your name?

 

KAREN

(showing off)

Karen Henkel, I like horses. Age eight, Telephone number PI1- 5567. I like horses. Address, 32 Center Street. Piney Fork Ohio. Did I mention I like horses?

 

WINIFRED

Thank you, Karen. As Karen suggested, you may call me Miss Winnie.

(She turns and writes MISS WINNIE on the board)

 

ZELDA

Showoff. You’ll never be on the Phil Donahue Show. Ever again! Even on a very special horse episode.

 

WINIFRED

Now where are the other students? The second grade can’t be this small. Are there no boys in the second grade?

 

ZELDA

It’s Trout Day, ma’am. All the young men are down at the IGA parking lot, participating in Trout Day. All except for one…if only he could tell his left hand from his tight…

 

WINIFRED

Trout Day! If I hear one more thing about Trout Day, I’ll…

 

ZELDA

You’ll what, Miss Winnie? Have a cow?

 

KAREN

Have a horse?

 

LINKA

Have zee frozen beet on zee stick?

 

WINIFRED

What? What are you talking about? I need to find out a few things.

(Calms herself)

Girls, why don’t you all tell me a little about yourselves?

(The three girls talk all at once)

By coloring a nice picture!  Now take out your crayons and paper and draw me a picture that tells me all about you!

(The girls open their desks)

That’s right. Now color very quietly. I’ll just use the intercom to call Mrs. Gunning…

(Winnie goes to the intercom switch on the wall and reaches to flick the intercom switch. The three girls see this and slam down their desk lids).

 

KAREN

No Miss Winnie. We’ll be good! Please!!

(She starts to cry)

 

LINKA

Not zee scary voice of zee monster! There is nothing so frightening in all of Bulgaria!

(She covers her ears)

 

WINIFRED

What is going on here?

 

ZELDA

The girls here are a little afraid of Mrs. Gunning, Ma’am. The only time we hear her is from that there intercom. Usually with bad news.

 

WINIFRED

Bad news?

 

ZELDA

Like, we can’t take the bus home after school because the bus driver – cough cough – got a bad case of the shakes. Or, we’re gonna have to wear our coat all day cause the janitor – cough cough – fell asleep and let the furnace go out.

 

WINIFRED

I just wanted to ask Mrs. Gunning –

(Karen cries)

 - About Trout Day, that’s all.

 

ZELDA

Quit the blubbering, Karen. What kind of horse cries?

(Takes Linka’s hands away from her ears)

Miss Winnie wants to know about Trout Day! It’s OK.

(Karen stops crying)

Nothing bad or scary about Trout Day, is there? Go on, Miss Winnie, fire up the old intercom.  We can take it!

 

WINIFRED

All right.

(Flicks switch. We hear static and Mrs. Gunning’s voice)

 

GUNNING

(Over intercom)

…and I really don’t mind making the three bean and cabbage casserole once in a while, but Horace wants it every night! And I tell you, Gladys, he’s really giving that box fan in the living room quite a workout, after dinner, while drooling over the ladies on The Newlywed Game! Good thing I’ve got my clove pomander handy! I ran out of Lysol last week.

 

WINIFRED

Mrs.Gunning?

 

GUNNING

(Over intercom)

Oh my…Room Two? Gladys, I’ve got to go. See you in the cafeteria.  Hello? Winifred, er, Miss Teasdoodle? What can I do for you? Throwing in the towel?

 

WINIFRED

No, I am sorry to bother you.

 

GUNNING

(Over intercom)

Oh no bother, I was just chewing the cud with Gladys in the cafeteria. Why walk down two flights, when we can just gab away on the intercom!

 

WINIFRED

Mrs. Gunning. Could you tell me a little about …Trout Day?

 

GUNNING

(Over intercom)

What? Oh, my stars, I forgot. You’ve just returned to Piney Fork, after twenty years. My oh, my. I hope you’ll take time to visit our new strip mall, and the shrubs the Garden Club planted out by Route 800.  And the push button pay phone at the library. It’s like you’re new to town!

 

KAREN

She doesn’t look new. Looks like she’s been put out o pasture.

 

GUNNING

(Over intercom)

Well, Winifred…are your students occupied with some mind enriching task?

 

ZELDA

We’re occupied listening to you on the intercom! I hope it makes us rich!

 

LINKA

If I was rich, I would buy all of zee Bulgaria.

 

KAREN

I’d buy a herd of horses…

 

ZELDA

Of course I heard of horses…

 

GUNNING

(Over intercom, slowly sliding in to a hillbilly accent)

Well, here goes…it all started back long ago, when Piney Fork was first founded, before my time. When I was a little girl, I used to sit on my pappy’s knee, knawing on a corn cob, and he used to tell me about the first Trout Day,. He was a little boy then.  He used to sit and knaw on a corn cob, on his pappy’s knee, too. And his pappy would tell him about the first Trout Day. He was there, his pappy told him and my pappy told me…

 

LINKA

What’s zee corn cob?

 

ZELDA

It’s what corn came in before they invented metal cans. Some kinda wood.

 

KAREN

She’d knaw on cans…like a goat…Mr. Ed would never do that.

 

WINIFRED

Mrs. Gunning. That can’t be right. I left Piney Fork twenty years ago, and twenty years there was no Trout Day, so Trout Day had to have started less than twenty years ago. Right children?

 

KAREN

Are we going to be tested on this? I ‘m not too good at math.

 

GUNNING

All this talking makes me hungry for a corn cob to knaw on. Winifred, let me get back to you. I have to check out something important in the cafeteria. Gladys?

(click)

 

WINIFRED

(Angry, very loud)

Mrs. Gunning! Tell me now! Tell me about Trout Day! Do you hear me?

(The schoolroom door opens and IRIS barges in, carrying a brown paper bag)

 

IRIS

For Petés sake, the entire school l can hear you! Keep it down! I f I have to hear one more thing about Trout Day…

(Tosses lunch bag to Zelda)

You forgot your lunch. This will NOT happen again.

 

ZELDA

(Catching lunch)

Now that’s service!

 

LINKA

Zee mother of Zelda?

 

KAREN

Lunch? Hay?

 

WINIFRED

Iris? Iris Arena? I can’t believe it.

 

IRIS

Winifred Teasdoodle? Is that you? It’s been years.

(They hug)

 

ZELDA

Just like the Phil Donahue show! I could cry…

 

IRIS

(scolding)

One more word…

 

WINIFRED

Iris, can you tell me about Trout Day?

 

IRIS

All right, then I never want to hear the name of that fish ever again!

(She moves over by the children)

It was the first day of school fifteen years ago.  One schoolgirl was just starting her senior year of high school. Her father was so proud of her. He was so proud of her that he wanted to make her favorite dinner for her. So he drove down to the IGA, and bought the biggest trout he could find in the fish department, had it wrapped up and was taking it to his car, when he tripped on a pop bottle – RC Cola -  and dropped the trout to the blacktop. Right out of the wrapping paper! I forgot to mention it was still alive…the trout…

(The girls shriek in disgust)

 

WINIFRED

Children!  Go out to the water fountain and get a drink.

 

KAREN

Off to the trough….!

 

LINKA

In Bulgaria, we eat zee frozen sticks of zee fishes.  With beet sauce.

 

ZELDA

Clam up, Dinka.

 

LINKA

We eat zee clams with zee beet sauce too.

 

ZELDA

My lunch better still be here when I get back.

(The girls leave)

 

WINIFRED

Go on, Iris.

 

IRIS

Well, when he picked up the trout and stood up, right in front of him was, no other than, that TV child star, Stormy Weather! She was all grown up, of course. Sitting behind the wheel of a big pink convertible. The man  was so surprised the trout fell right back to the blacktop. Flopping in the dust!

 

WINIFRED

Oh my! People used to tell me that I looked just like her, remember? Stormy, not the trout…

 

IRIS

I remember, Winnie Well, Stormy was passing through town on her way to Toledo, when she stopped to use the pay phone in the IGA parking lot. She looked at the flopping trout and said. “What an interesting way to fry trout. Maybe I’ll stop back here next year and have a plateful!” And she was gone! Well, before long a few other men in town heard about this and they all planned to come back to the same spot the next year and cook Stormy a big plate of trout.

 

WINIFRED

Did she ever come back? The next year? You seem to know a good bit about Trout Day, Iris.

 

IRIS

I should, Winnie. That man buying the trout was one Mr. Arena, my father, and the girl starting senior year…was me.

 

WINIFRED

Oh my.

 

IRIS

You said it. This is my entire fault! Do you know my father still goes down to the IGA every Trout Day! He’s so old, he can’t see two feet in front of him, but every year he goes down and waits for Stormy Weather to drive by in her convertible. He and all those men.  The men cook the trout, and my father sits and waits…

 

WINIFRED

I wonder what he would do if Stormy Weather ever DID come back? It’s been so long and your father…wouldn’t…even…

 

IRIS

…recognize her! Winnie, does anyone else know that you’ve come back to Piney Fork?

 

WINIFRED

Well, just you, Mrs. Gunning, the girls…that’s about it. I haven’t even found place to stay yet.

 

IRIS

You help me, Winnie, and you can stay at my house. I have a few rooms over the garage.

(The girls enter the room)

 

WINIFRED

Get your coats girls; we’re going for a little walk. Over to the IGA.

 

KAREN

The IGA?

 

LINKA

Zee IGA?

 

WINNIE

I’ll explain to Mrs. Gunning later. She may wonder why her entire school is missing. Oh no, what about that little boy down in the furnace room? I hope he’ll be all right. Arthur Chester?

 

ZELDA

Chester Arthur. He is zee president of zee United States! Even in Bulgaria, we know that.

 

KAREN

And she calls herself a teacher!

 

ZELDA

If I know him, all I can say is that my lunch better still be here when we get back.

 

IRIS

You said that already, Zelda, get moving. We’ll make a little stop at my car, Winnie. I’ve got a scarf and sunglasses in the glove compartment.

 

ZELDA

…and half a pack of Lucky Strikes!

 

IRIS

You can put on some makeup in the ladies room at the Gulf Station. Girls, you can hide  behind that Goodwill clothing bin by the air hose. This is going to be one Trout Day, I’ll never forget!

(They exit)

END OF SCENE FOUR


Scene Five–The IGA parking lot. We see a telephone booth, a sidewalk and a used clothing bin. To one side is a wooden folding chair.  We hear a crowd of men in the background, as well as tinny radio music.

 

After a pause, GRANDPA ARENA enters, with a trout wrapped in paper, and sits slowly in the chair.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Whoo hoo! Some Trout Day this has turned out to be. The young men cook the trout, and I sit and wait. Getting a little tired of waiting, though…

(Pats trout)

It’s just you and me, kiddo.  And you trout are getting smaller every year. And more expensive. I think next year, I’ll get me some of those frozen fish sticks, easier to carry –

 

VOICE FROM CLOTHING BIN -LINKA

Put zee beet sauce on zee sticks of zee fishes…like we do in Bulgaria…

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Who said that?

(squints)

Who are you?

 

VOICE FROM CLOTHING BIN -- ZELDA

We come all the way from Walton’s Mountains. For Trout Day.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

What? What are you talking about?

 

VOICE FROM CLOTHING BIN - KAREN

Winnie! Winnie! Winnie!

 

GRANDPA ARENA

What is that sound??

 

VOICE FROM CLOTHING BIN - ZELDA

Uh, me and the whole Walton family came…by, um…horse…

(Iris enters)

 

IRIS

Dad, who are you talking to?

(Looks around)

There’s no one here, Dad. No one.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Iris, is that you?

(He tries to get up and hugs in the wrong direction.)

My you’ve lost weight! Isn’t that good for nothing husband of yours feeding you? Marty?

 

IRIS

I’m over here, Dad. And his name is Mortimer. Mort. Morty.

 

VOICE FROM CLOTHING BIN - ZELDA

Rigger Mortis! Rigger Morty!!

 

IRIS

(Hissing to clothing bin)

Someone is going to be IN rigamortis if they don’t shut up. And I said BEHIND the bin, not IN the bin!

(Raps on bin)

 

VOICE FROM CLOTHING BIN – ALL THREE

OW! OW! OW!

 

GRANDPA ARENA

(Turns to Iris)

Iris, you can’t be here, Trout Day is only for the men of Piney Fork. There’s nothing for the ladies. Except the dirty dishes.

 

IRIS

Dad, enough of this silly Trout Day.  Think it’s time you packed up your trout and put it on ice.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

And let down Stormy Weather? Not a chance. She said she’d be back, and when she does come back, we’re gonna have the best cooked trout waiting for her!

 

IRIS

Oh Dad, This is my entire fault. If only I hadn’t told you that trout was my favorite all those years ago. 

((She hugs her father, causing the trout to fall from his arms to the ground)

Oh!

 

GRANDPA ARENA

My trout!

(They clumsily bend over together to pick up the trout, as Stormy Weather strolls on. She wears a scarf and sunglasses)

 

STORMY WEATHER

Still playing with that ol fish, huh? I did remember!

 

IRIS

(Looking up .Iris is a bad actress)

Oh my, its Stormy Weather! In person! What a surprise.

 

STORMY WEATHER

Don’t get up sweetie! I can see you got bigger fish to fry.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

You came back! Just like you said you would! You’ve made an old man very happy.  The men of town have been cooking all morning. Your trout is waiting!

 

IRIS

Well now that Stormy came back, that’ll be the last of Trout Day!

(Stands)

I’m Iris.

(Extends hand)

 

STORMY WEATHER

(Ignores her)

You touched the fish. What are you talking about? I just stopped to use the pay phone.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Just like you did fifteen years ago.  And you smell just like you did fifteen years ago. But that pay phone don’t work no more. You’ll have to use the new push button telephone at the public library.

 

STORMY WEATHER

I gotta call Phil Donahue and tell him I’d going to be a little late for his show today.  There was a mess of traffic coming out of Toledo.

 

MOLLIE CURRAN (off)

Ends in the letter O!

 

IRIS

Go back to your produce, Mollie.

 

STORMY WEATHER

Phil’s on tape, you know. I don’t do live TV. Thanks a bunch, gramps. Nice to meet ya, sweetie.

(Starts out)

 

GRANDPA ARENA

(Stands with trout)

But aren’t you going to stay for some cooked trout? We’ve been waiting for you for fifteen years.

 

STORMY WEATHER

And smell like fish on Phil Donahue? Not a chance, Gramps.  Plus, I hate fish. People in this town need to get a hobby!

(She leaves)

 

IRIS

Well, she’s gone, Dad. And so is Trout Day. Your dream finally came true. You’re our town hero!

 

MOLLIE CURRAN (off)

Ends in the letter O!

 

IRIS

One more time, Mollie….

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Stormy Weather wasn’t as nice as I remembered.  She could’ve sung “Little Brown Jug”. Oh well, things change. People change. Like I always said, the last Trout Day is going to be the best!

 

IRIS

I guess, so, Dad.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Now, what are we going to do with all that cooked trout?

 

IRIS

Maybe Bargain Bill Butler can sell it on his show.  On the radio.

(calls out)

Don’t even think of saying it, Mollie!

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Radio? Oh, Iris, people want to see their fish before they buy it. Didn’t learn much that senior year of high school, did you…

 

IRIS

Dad…

 

BARGAIN BILL

(Entering)

I smell a bargain…oh, it’s just fish. I still have the leftover fish from last year back at the station…Oh, and Iris, I can’t wait to stop by your place tonight and pick up that Trout Day folding table and chairs. Imagine, a piece of history rusting away behind your garage.

(exits)

 

GRANDPA ARENA

We’ll just finish cooking it and give it to the elementary school for lunch. You can take some home. We have plenty of that; oh what’s it called…Make and Bake, Quake and Fake…

 

IRIS

(whispers)

Shake and Bake, Dad…

 

VOICES FROM CLOTHING BIN

ZELDA - And I helped!!

LINKA - And I did zee helping!

KAREN - Winnie! Winnie!

 

IRIS

That’s it!

(Raps on bin)

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Who are all those people?

 

WINIFRED

(Entering. Her scarf and make up are a mess)

Iris, I ‘m sorry. First the light bulb blew out in the ladies room at the Gulf station, then I couldn’t get the door open. Bargain Bill Butler and Mr. Whoop and Mortimer had to get me out through the transom. Now everyone knows I am back in Piney Fork. Sorry to ruin your plan.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Plan?

 

IRIS

I didn’t…how do you…she…plan...I don’t know what she’s talking…huh?

(Suddenly we hear a BUZZ from the school playground intercom next door).

 

GUNNING

(Over intercom)

Winifred? I can see you out there through my office window! You have to listen to this. It’s Betty Butler on the radio. I’ll hold my microphone up to the speaker.

(Squelch)

 

BETTY BUTLER

I’m your announcer, Betty Butler, with breaking news…TV celebrity Stormy Weather was just seen spotted walking out of the Piney Fork Library, and getting into a fancy convertible! I repeat, this is breaking news…

(Squelch)

 

GUNNING

(Over intercom)

I just can’t believe it. Just wait til I tell Gladys in the cafeteria…

 

IRIS

What? Then that was really Stormy Weather! I can’t believe…

(Turns to Grandpa and pats fish)

Happy Trout Day, Dad.

(Hugs him)

 

VOICES FROM CLOTHING BIN

ZELDA - Happy Trout Day!\

LINKA – Happy Day of Zee Trout!

KAREN – Winnie! Winnie!

 

BETTY BUTLER

And now back to our music…on WPIN Radio…

 

MOLLIE CURRAN (off)

Ends in the letter O!

 

(Tinny AM radio music plays in the background)

 

End of Scene


Epilogue

The Riggolio kitchen. That evening. Mortimer, Grandpa, Zelda are at the table. Iris puts away groceries.

 

MORTIMER

(Bragging to no one in particular)

…yes, I run a tight break room down there at the treatment plant. But I still haven’t found out who leaves the spoon in the Cremora. I can never seem to catch the culprit. Chet said he didn’t see anyone near it while I was gone today. Everyone else used milk, he said. I guess I’m the only one who uses it.  The Cremora.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

And you still haven’t caught who leaves the spoon in the Cremora? It must be some pretty slick character…

 

IRIS

It was so nice to see Winnie again, after all these years. It’ll be nice having her stay in the room over the garage.

 

ZELDA

No, it won’t.

 

MORTIMER

She had better stay out of my Meisterbrau beer.

 

IRIS

Great. Now I have to find a new hiding place.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Put it next to the Cremora in your break room, Marty. It’ll be safe there.

 

MORTIMER

Yep, you gotta get up pretty early to keep a head of Marty Riggolio

 

IRIS

Your name is Mort. Well, I’ll get supper started soon. You have your choice of...fish…or…fish.

 

MORTIMER

Ugh.

 

ZELDA

I’ll pass. I had a late lunch.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

(teasing)

Marty. Did you ever eat a dead fish?

 

IRIS

Dad!

 

LINKA (off)

Zelda! This is Linka from Bulgaria. Zee mother of Linka wants to do the asking of you to the Linka house for zee dinner tonight. Come, zee car of zee mother of Linka is double parked.

 

KAREN (off)

Winnie! Winnie!

 

CHESTER

We can sit next to each other!

 

ZELDA

Yay! Saved by the Beets!

(she exits)

Chester, you stay away from me…

 

MORTIMER

Wait for me!

 

IRIS

Mort, you are staying here and eating dinner with us. Fish is brain food.

 

GRANDPA ARENA

You don’t have enough fish, Iris…

(Suddenly Mrs Whoop passes by the open door, carrying a huge metal bowl)

 

MRS WHOOP

Rhonda! Oh Rhonda! It’s…dinner time!

(She stops and sticks her head in)

…Iris…Iris have you seen Rhonda recently?  It’s time for her din din!

(Notices GRANDPA, and fixes herself)

Why hello Mr. Arena. What brings you to our side of town?  Always so nice to see you-

(Catches herself)

I mean. Hear you. I meant…oh my…

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Nice to see you too, Mrs. Whoop. You’re looking very well this evening…

(He leers at her suggestively)

 

MRS WHOOP

(Changing subject)

Iris, it is time for Rhonda’s dinner…her favorite! Post raisin bran. Poor thing chokes on the raisins, though, so I pick them out and then I put them on Mr. Whoop’s generic bran cereal in the morning.

 

RHONDA

(off)

Quack.

 

MRS WHOOP

Oh, there you are, Rhonda, playing in Iris’ trash. Careful dear, you don’t want to eat any of those cigarette butts!

 

IRIS

Why don’t you just serve the generic bran flakes to the duck and Post raisin bran to your husband?

 

MRS WHOOP

Rhonda does not eat generic foods! Whatever, Iris, Toodles oohs, all!

(she exits)

 

MRS WHOOP

That woman…

 

GRANDPA ARENA

You have some wacky neighbors, Iris. Coming here to visit you is better than watching television.

 

MORT

And, for the record, I have never eaten a dead fish. Frozen, maybe. But not dead.

 

IRIS

(Slapping Mort with a dishtowel)

Oh Mort!

 

GRANDPA ARENA

Get cooking, Iris. This poor man’s brain needs all the fish he can eat! Happy Trout Day!

 

CURTAIN

 

END OF PLAY