Who is Behind Those Foster Grants?

 

By

Johnny Culver

 

Characters

NOREEN CLUMP– Quiet and a little off balance, middle aged.  Short and stout, Noreen has little interest in her personal appearance, and it shows. Always last at everything, but either does not realize or does not care. Has moved back home after a short relationship with Virgil. Has never been properly employed.

 

LOREEN CLUMP– Noreen’s older sister. A loud, tall gangly woman, and does not know how to dress accordingly. Faring better in life than Loreen because she is very vocal, Loreen has always lived at home with their mother, Maureen. A cashier at Grants department store

 

MAUREEN CLUMP– Their explosive mother. Always right, always on time. Wants nothing more that to be left alone for the rest of her life.

 

VIRGIL – Quiet, simple, middle aged, has an eye problem. Little else is known about him.

 

The waiting area of a local vision center. A Blustery wet day.

 


 The door blows open Noreen and Loreen enter from the street.

 

LOREEN

(shaking off her umbrella) I won’t be a minute, Noreen. I just have to get this screw tightened on my eyeglass frames, and a packet of lens tissues. Then we can go back and meet Mother at the Mister Donut. I hope she had the sense to get out of this rain.

 

NOREEN

(stands in raincoat and hat) What is this place? (takes paper clock from door and tosses it aside) Crummy clock. (looks around) Who buys a clock made of crummy cardboard? It’s gonna get ruined in all this rain. Good thing I’m not selling my salad today, door to door. It would all wash right down the crummy drains!

 

LOREEN

Don’t start with the salad again…this is a vision center…oh; look they have the Pennysaver TV listings here, by the door. (Takes a few) They always have coupons in here and I am not paying 50 cents for that TV Guide, even if this week is the fall preview issue! This Pennysaver will do just fine.  I’ll take a few for Mother too. They don’t have these Pennysavers at Grants.

 

NOREEN

(Sadly) We used to sit at the kitchen table, Virgil and me, and he’d read me the TV Guide, cover to cover. Then he’d watch his…TV program. He used to sit up close to the TV, because of his eye problem, His silhouette, in front of the screen, it was soo romantic. (Tries to undo her scarf) Oh this crummy scarf is in a knot! If Virgil was here, he would have untied it, so thoughtful he was…he would put down his coat if there was a puddle in front of me. To keep my feet dry. (pulls a box of mints from her coat pocket and begins to eat)

 

LOREEN

You told me. Thoughtful and kind. But you didn’t really know too much about him, did you? How old he is? Where he works? His eye problem?

 

NOREEN

None of that mattered to me. When he would read to me the rules of the Draw Sparky contest from the TV Guide it’s as though I could see little Sparky right here, in my heart. Virgil squinted, just like little Sparky, because of his eye problem. Virgil’s, not Sparky’s.

 

LOREEN

Noreen Clump, it’s been months now, since you left him, and came running back to Mother and me, you have to forget about Virgil, and move on. (looks around) Maybe a new pair of eyeglass frames would be the perfect thing to lift your spirits (ruffles through Pennysaver) See! There’s a coupon right here, “Buy one pair of eyeglass frames and get another identical pair…free!”I brought you along with me, so I could talk to you…Noreen, you’re eating candy?

 

NOREEN

Mints.

 

LOREEN

I thought you wanted to lose weight…I don’t know why…

 

NOREEN

They’re thin mints…Virgil was very intelligent. I learned so much from him. Whenever I was with him, it was like I was attending…Virgil U! Virgil would have had the sense not to drag me out in this rain. (starts to cry) Oh Virgil….

 

LOREEN

I don’t know why you ever left him, Noreen, if you were so happy. Why you left him and moved back in with mother and me. Back in the Clump house It’s been noting but problems ever since! (turns to Noreen) Mother and I want you out of the house!  We want you to leave! I want Mother for myself again!

 

NOREEN

(ignoring her) Loreen, I don’t want to talk about Virgil any more, it’s soo difficult everywhere I look, I see him (goes to mirror and pulls at scarf) Crumbs! And why did it have to be mother and you, why couldn’t have been mother and me? I’m A Clump too!

 

LOREEN

Don’t start on that again, Noreen. (Looking around) Is anyone going to wait on us? I only have an hour for lunch. I have to get back to Grants and my register. ( acidly) I wish I was like you, Noreen, not a care in the world. No work to do….plenty of time to replace those cat eyes of yours and get a new pair of intelligent looking frames...plenty of time to eat thin mints….(looks at mints) These are mints from behind my register at Grants! You stole them! First you steal Mother, then my thin mints!

 

NOREEN

(Looks in mirror) I didn’t steal them, Mother gave them to me. These thin mints were gifts.

 

LOREEN

She didn’t give them to you. Oh, for Pete’s sake! When are you going to stop lying?

 

NOREEN

I don’t have time to lie; I have things to do, too, make salad, in case I start selling it again…look in the help wanted. (browsing the shelves) I have to decide what kind of job I want. Virgil always said I would be good in selling things, in a store. He said he would buy anything from me! We used to play Grants department store, he was the customer and I would stand behind the register, and sell thing mints…sometimes we would play Mister Donut -  sit at his table, eating those little donettes. He used to buy a bag of twenty. For a dollar.

 

LOREEN

You’re not qualified to work at Grants, Noreen Clump. All you know how to do is make salad, and not too well at that. No one ever bought it-

 

NOREEN

Virgil thought I could apply for a job at the Grants and the Mister Donut.  Virgil thinks I-

 

LOREEN

Virgil! Virgil! Virgil! I thought you were going to stop thinking about him! (frustrated) Just take a look at the frames in the case and decide which ones you like. Maybe they have a pair of those metal frames, like the ones you pointed to, on the bus. The bus we missed….

 

NOREEN

What if I break them? What if a bus door slams in my face, and breaks the frames? A good pair of metal frames, down the crumb pot! I would be looking for a job with no eyeglass frames! What if I have to take a spelling test at Mister Donut?

 

LOREEN

Whoever slammed the door in your face would have to pay for them! Honestly, Noreen, every since you left that Virgil, you have so….difficult. If only I could get you to go back to him…what kind of a job would ask you to take a spelling test? What do they have to spell at the Mister Donut?

 

NOREEN

Virgil always liked my salad. Maybe I could get a real job selling salad…door to door…like I used to do. That’s how I met Virgil. (fondly) He bought my salad.

 

LOREEN

Not that again. The last time you made your salad at home, we had to carry you out of the kitchen, you were so upset…Mother and I found you crying, at the table.

 

NOREEN

I had every right to be upset. I had forgotten about your icebox, telling me what do. Telling me to make more salad. To produce more! Work more!

 

LOREEN

That’s the drawer where you’re supposed to put the produce, it wasn’t telling you what to do! Noreen, mother and I want you out of the house.

 

NOREEN

Virgil’s icebox never told me what to do. He was so patient with me. So was his icebox.

 

LOREEN

You have to get a job! Earn some money. Get out on your own. (at window) I have never seen it rain so much-

 

NOREEN

Mother always said that I would be a good school teacher, because I was good with children.  I’d have to take a spelling test for that. Remember those crummy kids down the street, Loreen? I showed them.

 

LOREEN

Mother didn’t know what she was talking about. Still doesn’t. (looks around) Don’t tell her I said that.

 

NOREEN

Or maybe an eye doctor. Here at the vision center. How would I know if people were reading the eye chart properly if I couldn’t spell?

 

LOREEN

Those neighbor children…you showed them your belly button, Noreen. That is not being good with children. You made them run away.

 

NOREEN

Virgil loved my belly button. He’d have to get up real close, because of his eye problem. Why I let him leave me, I’ll never know… (pulls at knot in scarf) crummy scarf, all wet… I should never had let you take me out in this rain I should never have listened to you and mother, telling me to move out, and in with Virgil.

 

LOREEN

You moved out on your own, from mother and me, Noreen, now and you left him and came running back to us Noreen, don’t try to rewrite the past, like you always do…is anyone going to wait on us? (Rises and looks around) I could just as well have stayed at Grants and bought a packet of lens tissues. They’re right by my register, but I needed to get this screw tightened. (Frames fall off her head to the ground) Oh, for Pete’s sake, (gets on knees and picks ar carpet) now where is that screw…the person who invented this crummy shag carpeting must have had 20/20 vision!

 

NOREEN

You never met him. Virgil would never have let a glass door slam in my face, Loreen, he was not that kind of person. He is…was…a gentleman! (Looks in frame case) You know, if I had to buy a new pair of eyeglass frames, these …”Sheraton Women’s Plastic Frames – for today’s career girl” are a possibility. In black and...Nude! (Looks up and looks around) Where is this sales clerk? If I worked at Grants, I would never leave my counter… Loreen, there’s no one here! This crummy vision center is unattended!

 

LOREEN

Well, we better go then. Let’s go get Mother at the Mister Donut and go back to Grant’s. Just let me find that screw…

 

NOREEN

I‘m not leaving without a look at those Sheraton Women’s Plastic Frames! (Goes behind case)  Unlocked! And Loreen, there’s a little tray of screws here. Get up from that crummy carpeting!

 

LOREEN

This screw was made especially for my frames! I am not leaving until I find it! Crumbs!

 

NOREEN

What language! (peeks under counter) I didn’t see these frames on the shelf down here…Foster Grant’s sunglasses! These make the Sheraton Women’s Plastic Frames look crummy! (goes behind, out of sight)  Maybe I do need a new pair of eyeglass frames, after all…

 

LOREEN

Found it! (struggles to get up) I’m going to have rug burns on my hands now Oh, for Pete’s sake, Noreen, where are you? Lets go! (still struggling)  Ooof! (The shop door open and slams shut)

 

MAUREEN

(entering very loudly) Loreen Clump! How long do I have to wait for you in front of the Mister Donut? What are you doing on the floor! You should be back at your register! (Noreen pops up, than back down, out of sight) I am soaked to the skin!

 

LOREEN

(caught off guard) I was just…Mother! You’re soaked! Didn’t you get out of the rain? (stands up and smoothes her coat) Mother, I thought you were going to buy a coffee and some of those Donettes? You did bring the gift check with you, didn’t you?

 

MAUREEN

Of course I brought the damned gift card! I gotta use the crummy thing up, don’t I? I don’t know what you were thinking Loreen, getting me a Mister Donut gift check for my birthday?

 

LOREEN

I asked you, Mother, I asked you what you wanted for your birthday. And you said, “Oh I don’t know, a Mister Donut gift check.” So that’s what I got you! Give me your umbrella.

 

MAUREEN

I wasn’t serious. Loreen, you spent your entire weeks pay on this gift check. 50 dollars! What the hell am I going to do with 50 dollars worth of coffee and donettes!

 

LOREEN

Well, mother you don’t have to use it up all at once. You can get a coffee one day, a bag of donettes the other day, little by little you use it up-

 

MAUREEN

I am never going in that crummy place ever again. I was just in there and got so angry, I couldn’t see straight…(sits)  I had to lean on parking meters all the way down the block. Lemme catch my breath   not to mention, get soaked to the skin. (Shakes her feet) These Totes you bought me at Grant’s aren’t worth the time of day. Where is that sister of yours? I thought she was coming in here with you?

 

LOREEN

She’s around somewhere….(sits) What happened, mother? What’s got you so upset?

 

MAUREEN

Well, I walked in there and went right to the counter and said to the young man “Good day young man. I would like a coffee with milk. I have a gift check.”  The he says to me ‘Would you like sugar in that?”

 

LOREEN

Nothing wrong with that, Mother.. He was just asking you-

 

MAUREEN

I have been on this earth for over half of a century, Loreen. I think I know what I want in my coffee and how to order it. That runt was just trying to get at my gift check! Then kick me out in the rain like lump of hay.

 

LOREEN

I really don’t think-

 

MAUREEN.

Do you want me to continue telling you why I am so upset, or not? (pause) Noreen would sit quietly and let me finish my story. She wouldn’t interrupt her mother-

 

LOREEN

Allright. (sighs) What happened?

 

MAUREEN

Well, after I got my coffee, I thought it would be nice to have a few of those donettes to go with the coffee. So I got up from the plastic bench by the corner of the Mister Donut where I was sitting. I went up to that thief at the register and said “Young man, when you get your mind off my gift check and back to business, I would like five donettes. To go.”

 

LOREEN

Mother…

 

MAUREEN

Well, that little hooligan at the register, well, he just looked at me and said “Would you like TEN donettes?” I nearly had a heart attack then and there! If I had my glycerin tablets, I would have certainly needed one right then and there! Good thing I left my bags on the plastic bench by the door, I just turned and picked them up, and marched right into this blinding rainstorm.

 

LOREEN

I can’t believe…Mother, maybe the donettes are cheaper if you buy ten of them. He was trying to save you money.

 

MAUREEN

He was trying to get me fat. So fat he could steal my gift check and run away with out me being able to follow him. I’d be so full of Donettes, I could barely walk!

 

LOREEN

I don’t believe you.

 

MAUREEN

Here, take this gift check back. (takes check out of pocket) I want nothing more to do with this cursed thing. Fine birthday present you get me, Loreen! (hands over check)  You could take a lesson from your sister and give your poor mother something she could really use. (Pats her purse)) Five hundred dollars …cash! This afternoon, I am going to hop on the bus and head to the Montgomery Wards appliance department. There’s a few major appliances I’d like to have a look at –

 

LOREEN

Noreen gave you money for your birthday? (looks around) Where is that sister of mine? You wait right here, Mother. (stands and looks into the backroom) Noreen? Get out here! Mother is here and I would like to talk to you before I go back to Grants…(she goes into back room)

 

MAUFREEN

If you have lost my daughter, young lady, you have a good bit of explaining to do. Noreen is a valuable young lady and I will not have her misplaced like some old …laundry receipt! (Loreen appears in doorway) Well, where is she?

 

LOREEN

She…she must have gone outside…I’m going after her (goes to door) You wait right here, Mother. No sense you getting any wetter (she pulls on raincoat and goes out)

 

 

TO BE CONTINUED